Tales of the House of the Red Moon
by SuperWombat
Summary: Starting with Itachi's membership test, this story chronicles the humor and insanity of the Akatsuki's adventures.  Watch out for parody, wacky humor and exploding televisions!
1. Return of the Weasel

Tales of the House of the Red Moon-01

Return of the Weasel

Leader: "So, Itachi, do you have any special skills that we could use to help take over the world?"

Itachi: "I can use my Sharigan to exactly forge signatures."

Leader: "That sounds useful. Go forge some rich person's signature and get us some money. If you succeed, then you can join."

_Itachi leaves the leader, and goes through Akatsuki's bank records, and exactly copies the leader's s signature onto a check paid to the order of Itachi Uchiha. Itachi goes to bank and cashes the check for 20 billion dollars. He carries the money back to the Akatsuki hideout in huge bags. _

Itachi: "I have succeeded in getting the money."

Leader: "Let's see it..."

_Itachi empties one of the bags onto the floor._

Leader: "Okay, you can join. By the way, who's signature did you copy? We might be able to get even more money from them."

Itachi: "Yours."

Leader: "What?????!!!!!"

Itachi: "So can I keep the rest of the money?"

Leader: "No! That is just about all of the money Akatsuki has! ...well, besides the money Zetsu eats..."

Zetsu : "…sorry…"

Leader: "….The nerve of you, Itachi… If you were not so useful, I would kill you…

Itachi: "If you could."

Leader: "What??!!!"

Itachi: "Nothing."

Leader: "Kakuzu! Come here and count this money and make sure Itachi did not steal any."

_Kakuzu arrives and counts the money, only to find out that 5,000 dollars is missing_.

Leader: "What did you do with the rest off the money Itachi?"

Itachi: "I bought that."

_Itachi points at a 6 foot wide plasma TV in the living room area._

Leader: "You spent 5,000 dollars of our hard stolen money on a TV??!!"

_Deidara is watching a show titled "Easy Clay Bomb Secrets."_

Deidara: "This isn't bad, yeah."

Leader: "…Well, I guess the TV might be useful, just do not steal from us again."

Itachi: "Fine. From now on I will just steal from our enemies."

Leader: "Kakuzu, go and re-deposit this in the bank."

Itachi: "Isn't having a bank account stupid? Can't they trace it back to us?"

Leader: "I don't think so: we have a false address and false names."

Itachi: "I saw those names…"

Leader: "Kakuzu! What kinds of names did you give us??!!"

Kisame: "You had better not have given us insultive names."

Kakuzu: "I gave us really descriptive names."

Leader: "You idiot! If our names are descriptive, then the tracker shinobi might be able to find us! Go change the names, now!"

Kakuzu: "...but you did not even ask what the old names are."

Leader: "Fine. What are they?"

Deidara: "I don't know if I want to hear this…"

_ At this point ,the rest of the Akatsuki show up from whatever missions they were on._

Kakuzu: "Well… your account name is '_that mysterious dude who could be the fourth Hokage_.'"

Leader: "That's a rumor!"

Kakuzu: "Notice that you are not denying that it could true."

Rest of Akatsuki: "……….."

Leader: "So what are the other account names?"

Kakuzu: "Kisame is _shark_, Deidara is _bomber dude_, Hidan is _that crazy dude_, Zetsu is that _cannibal plant dude_, Sasori is _Pinocchio_ , and the mysterious Akatsuki is _that flower haired kunoichi_."

Mysterious Akatsuki: "..."

Sasori: "I would have preferred 'master puppeteer…'"

Zetsu: "I got the best one!"

Deidara: "…"

Hidan: "I am highly offended."

Kisame: "'Shark' isn't that bad…"

Leader: "Go change them all this instant!"

Kakuzu: "Any requests?"

Mysterious Akatsuki member: "I don't really care as long as its not insulting…"

Kakuzu: (thinking) _"If I leave quickly I might be able to give them even worse names than before."_

_Kakuzu runs out the door._

Rest of Akatsuki: "Wait! We had requests!"

Leader: "He left in such a hurry, I bet he is going to give us all undescriptive, horrible names."

Leader: "Okay, Itachi, while Kakuzu is gone, I guess I can introduce you to your new partner, as well as the rest of the Akatsuki."

_Kisame walks up, as well as the rest of the Akatsuki besides Kakuzu ._

Leader: "This our new member."

Mysterious Akatsuki member: "Ask me if I care."

Itachi: "..."

Zetsu: "He looks tasty!"

_Leader glares at Zetsu._

Leader: "You had better not eat him! How many times do have to tell you to stop eating your fellow Akatsuki??!!! The reason we have an open slot is because you ate Kisame's partner!"

Kisame: "…It was horrible…"

Itachi: (thinking) _"…I wonder if I have made a mistake…"_

Zetsu: "Okay, I won't. Can I eat Deidara then?"

Deidara: "What????!!!!"

Leader: "No!! You cannot eat any of them! Understand!?"

Zetsu: "Okay."

Deidara: "Whew…"

Sasori: "Just don't touch my puppets okay, Itachi?"

Hidan: "…"

Leader: "Okay, Itachi, this is your new partner, Kisame."

Kisame: "Am I actually going to have to work with this girly-looking pansy?"

Leader: "If he were not strong, I would not allow him to…_"_

Itachi: (interrupting) **"...Mangekyou Sharingan!"**

Leader: "Hey, wait, what are you…"

Kisame: "What did you just do? Where am I? What is this???!!!"

_Kisame is forced to watch people eating shark meat for 2 days..._

Kisame: "Uhn... Okay stop it! I admit you are not girly... even though you look it…"

Itachi: "That's worthy of another 5 hours of this…"

Leader: "Itachi, stop it!"

Itachi: "Fine."

_He shuts off the Sharingan eye's shadow world._

Kisame: "Why you, I ought to..."

Leader: "Well, whether you two like it or not you two are partners now… You will have to work on your team work."

Kisame: "I refuse to work with him!"

Leader: "Fine. Then Itachi can run solo, and you can team up with Orochimaru. He's been wanting to join anyway."

Kisame: "I'll… I'll work on my team work with Itachi…"

Leader: "Good. Now get out on your first mission."

_They leave._

Kakuzu: "I'm back, Leader-sama! I changed the account names like you said."

Leader: "What are the new names?"

Kakuzu: "Heh. The new names are- Itachi: Puppy, Mysterious Akatsuki member: Unmysterious, Kisame: Wimp, Hidan: Sane, Zetsu: Fluffy Bunny, Sasori: Human, Deidara: Hater of art and Leader: Idiot."

Leader: "Well I guess those cannot be traced to us… Wait! Why is mine 'idiot??!!!' Are you daring to insult me??!!!"

Kakuzu: "I gave you names that are the exact opposite of what you really are."

Leader: "Oh, so you actually think I'm a genius? Well, then we will keep those names."

Kakuzu: "Okay." _(thinking: The Leader one is actually true… I can't believe I got away with that!")_

Deidara: "'Hater of art ??!!!'"

Sasori: "Don't worry, remember, they are our opposites."

Deidara: "You don't understand art anyway."

Sasori: "Puppet attack!"

Deidara: "Bombs!"

_The two fight for an entire hour._

Leader: "Deidara, Sasori stop it! Idiots! Look at what you have done with all of your fighting! You… You …Look at the plasma TV Itachi wasted our money on."

_Leader cries.__They look at the plasma TV, which has a puppet knife in it and a huge bomb hole._

Leader: "I... I wanted to watch my favorite TV show on it… I wanted to watch 'Sailor Moon…'"

Deidara and Sasori: "What???!!!"

Leader: "…Itachi won't be happy about this…"

_Itachi and Kisame return from their first mission, which resulted in the successful capture of a wild (without a host) tailed beast. Itachi stares at the TV, and surrounding rubbl__e._

Itachi: "…ho is responsible for this?!"

_Leader points at Sasori and Deidara and cries about how Deidara was the only one that got to watch anything on it._

Leader: "They did it, they did it!"

_Leader points at them._

Kisame: "I wanted to watch it, too."

Zetsu: "I got to watch it for about 5 minutes before I had to run from the explosions…"

Kakuzu: "I didn't get to watch any! I couldn't see over Zetsu's plant!"

Zetsu: "…"

Sasori: "Deidara, I hope you know that this is all your fault."

Deidara: "..."

Mysterious Akatsuki member: "I don't care, since I already have my own plasma TV…"

Zetsu: "What?!"

Mysterious Akatsuki member: "Forget about what you are thinking. "It's not up for grabs."

Zetsu : (thinking) _"I might steal it when she's not looking…"_

Itachi: "How dare you do this! I wanted to watch... gasps Wait, I cannot reveal what I wanted to watch. (thinking) _"episodes of Naruto that have me in them, because I like to look at my beautiful face." _

Itachi: "Deidara, Sasori, You shall both pay! Mangekyou Sharigan!"

_Deidara and Sasori are subjected to days of ten thousand Itachi bragging about how Itachi is the prettiest Akatsuki member.)_

_After this, the leader decides to pass a rule prohibiting fighting amongst the members of the Akatsuki. However, these rules are largely ignored._

Leader: "I wanted to watch Sailor Moon…"

**The END**


	2. Akatsuki Island

**Tales of the House of the Red Moon **

**Part 2: Akatsuki Island**

Leader: "Since all of you are exhausted from pursuing Naruto, I have decided for us all to take a vacation to the beach. So get ready and pack."

Itachi: "…"

Bluie: "I'll go pack."

Tobi: "Yay, Beach!"

Zetsu: "Beautiful palm trees…"

Kisame: "The ocean!"

Deidara: "Leader-sama, what are you talking about? We haven't buried Sasori yet, and I still have not had my arms sewn back on."

_(For info on all of this, read the "Rescue Gaara" arc of the manga.)_

Leader: "Sasori's body has already been disposed of- and Kakuzu can sew your arms back on."

Deidara: **"Disposed of ??!!"**

Zetsu: "He sure was tasty. I got a few splinters in my mouth from eating him, though."

_(Deidara displays a look of horror)_

Deidara: "Sasori no Danna…"

Kakuzu: "Shall I sew your arms back on now, Deidara?"

Deidara: "I don't know about this…"

Bluie: "I'm all packed."

Tobi: "Tobi is bringing a ducky swim ring!"

Itachi: "Tobi, get too annoying and its Tsukiyomi time."

Tobi: "But… Tobi is a good boy!"

Itachi: "…"

_At this point all of the Akatsuki are packed except Deidara._

Leader: "Okay, let us leave."

Kakuzu: "But, I have not even started sewing Deidara's arm back on yet..."

Leader: "What have you been doing this whole time?"

Kakuzu: "I was packing, and making sure that Hidan did not come with us."

Leader: "What did you do with Hidan?"

Kakuzu: "I put his head in a box and had it shipped to Siberia. The body is in his room, tied to the bed."

_Group Akatsuki sweat drop._

Leader: "Well, the head will probably find its way back here somehow. We will leave without him. "

Deidara: "My arms!"

Leader: "We do not have time to wait for you to sew his arms back on- we are in a hurry! If we do not get to the villas in time, we will lose our reservations. Just take them with you in a suitcase and we will do it there."

Deidara: "What??!! That's so cruel!"

Bluie: "Villas... nice."

Kakuzu: "Wait, Leader, I can do it quickly!"

Leader: "Do that."

_Kakuzu sews Deidara's arms back on using a crooked, uneven stitch plus some glue._

Deidara: "…It's… so… horrible…"

Tobi: "I feel for you, senpai!"

Deidara: "…"

Leader: "Well, let's leave."

Deidara: "Wait! I have not packed anything!"

Leader: "You can buy clothes down there or borrow from one of the other Akatsuki."

Deidara: "…sigh…"

Tobi: "I'm so happy that you have your arms back, Deidara-senpai, even though they are poorly sewn on with some glue."

Deidara: "Shut up, Tobi."

_(The Akatsuki get in their stretch Mercedes to drive to _Kirigakure_ with Deidara at the wheel.)_

Bluie: "Isn't it a bad idea too let a guy who just had his arms sewn back on drive a car?"

Kakuzu: "Trust me, my sewing is perfect."

Bluie: "…….."

Deidara: "Wahhahaha! This street is too calm! There are not enough explosions! I'm going to make some! Art is a bang!"

Bluie: "Huh?! You are already going over 100 miles per hour- and now you want explosions?!"

Itachi: "...It's fine with me."

Kakuzu: "Alright! Explosions!"

Leader: "..."

Zetsu: "Just make sure you to not cause too much smoke too block the sun. My plant is doing photosynthesis now."

(_Group sweat drop.)_

Tobi: "Senpai! Senpai! Are we there yet? Are there yet, huh?"

Deidara: "Not until I have exploded at least one thing."

Tobi: "Awwww…."

Deidara: "Take this, car next to us! C2 !"

_(Deidara throws the C2 bomb at the next car, causing it to explode and burst into flames. A group of shinobi emerges from the car, all still alive.)_

Leader: "Deidara, you idiot! You had to pick that car!"

Deidara: "Huh? Oh, crap!" It's Kakashi and that brat Naruto, yeah."

Leader: "Just drive away."

Deidara: "What?"

Leader: "Because we are on vacation- I do not want us to being fighting them now... And you are _done_ exploding things for the day."

Deidara: "Okay. 200 miles per hour!"

Leader: "Can our car go that fast?"

Itachi: "It can, because I installed jet engines on the back."

Bluie: "Jet engines?!"

Tobi: "I think I might get carsick at that speed."

Itachi:"You are sitting next to me! You do that, and it's 72 hours of you going that speed!"

Tobi: "But Tobi is a good boy!"

Kisame: "If you are a good boy, I do not know how you got into the Akatsuki."

Tobi: "I paid Leader-sama off!"

Kisame: "What?!"

Tobi: "That's right, Kisame! Tobi is actually a billionaire!"

Leader: "Wow, the weather sure is lovely today."

Kisame: "…"

(_At this point they have reached 200 miles an hour.)_

Leader: "Good job, Deidara. We successfully escaped Team Kakashi."

Deidara: "Whatever."

_**Elsewhere:**_

Sakura: "They totaled our car."

Naruto: "Sensei, should we go after them?"

Kakashi: "No. We could not handle all of the Akatsuki by ourselves. Besides, that was not my car. It was Gai's car."

Sai: "Does that mean it was stolen?"

Kakashi: "Yeah."

Team 7: "Ehhh?!"

_**Back to the Akatsuki now...**_

Leader: "Okay, we have arrived in Kirigakure! Deidara, you can stop the car now_."_

_(They get out of the car, which is promptly swallowed by a huge tidal wave.)_

Leader_: "_Umm... I guess we will have to find a different mode of transportation back..."

Kisame: "I'm home! Home!"

Deidara: "Isn't it supposed to be cold here?"

Kisame: "The beach on the west side of the island is warm. That's where we are going."

Bluie: "Let's go."

Kisame: "First, I would like to check on my family. The rest of you can go on ahead to the beach."

(_The rest of Akatsuki all leave, except for Tobi, who wants to meet Kisame's family. Kisame arrives at the house and says hello to his mother , who looks just like a female version of him [Scary, huh?)_

Kisame: "Mom, where's Dad?"

Kisame's Mom: "Oh, he got voted off of the island."

Kisame: "Voted off?"

Kisame: "Oh, yes. Three years ago, the Mizukage started an island game. The competitors try to survive in the wilderness without modern conveniences. The last person remaining who has not been voted off of the island is the winner. If you don't like someone, if you can gather enough votes, then you can have them voted off of the island. Things got bad when the Mizukage who created the game got voted off the island by Zabuza and his follows. Then Zabuza himself got voted off of the island. He made up that whole Mizukage assassination thing. Oh, and by the way, I have become the new Mizukage!"

Kisame: "..." (speechless)

Tobi: "Wow, Kisame, I didn't know any of that!"

Kisame: "How did you become Mizukage?"

Kisame's Mom: "They voted me in!"

Kisame: _(Thinking: "She may be the strongest person in the village now, anyway.")_

Kisame: "Why is dad still gone? These games only happen once a year, right? Why has he not come back yet?"

Kisame's Mom: "He went to the Village Hidden the Stone to find out about art."

Kisame: _(Thinking: "This is horrible! One Deidara is enough. I hope he does not come back like that!")_

Tobi: "Hi, Kisame's mom! Tobi is a good boy!"

Kisame's Mom: "Kisame certainly isn't."

Kisame: "...Is the village ever going to return to normal?"

Kisame's Mom: "If we ever stop making so much money, I guess it might."

Kisame: "Well, I'm leaving. The others are waiting on me."

_(Kisame leaves without Tobi and meets the others at the beach. Deidara is building a giant clay sand castle, Kakuzu has set up a flavored ice stand and is making money and the Leader is ordering the others around even on their vacation. Bluie is sunbathing in a bikini, and Itachi is surfing. Zetsu is flirting with a plant.)_

Tobi: "Hey, guys I'm finally here!"

Deidara: "Oh, great, the idiot is back."

Leader: "You really should not talk about your partner that way."

Deidara: "But I'm the angry guy, so he has to be the stupid guy!"

_(note: a classic form of Japanese stand up comedy includes an angry guy and a stupid guy.)_

Leader: "...That actually makes sense..."

Kisame: "Deidara, I guess you went and bought swim trunks."

Deidara: "Yes, because no one was willing to loan me their extra pair. Bluie offered to loan me her extra bikini, but..."

Bluie: "Bwahhaaaaha! It would have great! I can just see the pictures all over PhotoBucket!"

Deidara: "Yeah, well... Of course I didn't do that-

A- I don't cross dress despite what Internet rumors might say

-and-

B- I am not willing to be blackmailed by Bluie."

Kisame: "...There are very few kunoichi that are missing-nin. Makes me wonder if she got kicked out of her village..."

Tobi: "Hey, Kisame! I talked to your Mom and I had all of us signed up for that island game! This is going to be so much fun.!"

Kisame: "..."

Leader: "How dare you do that without my permission!"

Bluie: "I don't want to get kicked off of the island before I finish getting my tan..."

Kakuzu: "I have flavored ice to sell!"

Zetsu: "I've fallen in love with a beautiful woman! I don't want to leave!"

_(Zetsu is shown kissing a palm tree. __Group Akatsuki sweat drop. Itachi surfs in at this point and hears the conversation.)_

Itachi: "I think we should all do it."

Leader: "Why?"

Itachi: "Because the weak ones will get voted off of the island. Then we can find out why they are so weak, because they lack..."

Kisame: "Itachi, for once would you just shut up? We have heard that catch phrase of yours over ten times. ...And besides, what would we do with the weak ones, anyway?"

Itachi: "Fire the weaker ones and replace them with stronger ones."

Leader: "All of you are cream de la crème, therefore I see no use in doing this."

Kakuzu: "Hey! It says here that that the winner gets 300 billion dollars in cash!"

Leader: "Okay, we are in. Good job Tobi. Of course, as your leader I will be taking 50 percent of the money."

Rest of the Akatsuki: "50 percent?!"

Leader: "That's me being generous! Take it or leave it. And anyone who disagrees with that (this means you, Kakuzu)- they can just quit Akatsuki and I'll send assassins after them."

Bluie: "It's all about the money with you, isn't it?"

Itachi: "I would like to point out that Orochimaru is still alive."

Leader: "Look, I'll come after you myself if I have to! So are all of you in?"

Rest of the Akatsuki: "Yes."

Deidara: "Tobi, one day I will get you back for this."

Tobi: "Sorry..."

Leader: "So when does the actual thing start?"

Tobi: "Tomorrow!"

_(At this point a deliveryman shows up with two packages, one box shipped from Siberia, and the other from one of the Akatsuki hideouts.)_

Deliveryman: "Package for evil leader of Akatsuki A.K.A Yondai-... oh, the writing cuts off there."

Leader: "That would be me."

Deliveryman: "Here you go." 

Leader: "Let's open these and see what they are."

Kakuzu: "You know, sir, I really don't think that is such a good idea."

Leader: "I am opening it."

Kakuzu: "How did he get himself shipped here?!"

_The leader opens the box and discover Hidan's head in one and his body in the other.)_

Hidan: "Kakuzu, I demand that you come here and sew my head back on."

_(Kakuzu does that.)_

Hidan: "Good to be back in one piece again."

Leader: "Well, Hidan I suspect you might win because you are immortal, but you can still play."

Deidara: "Wait... I thought that this was an ordinary survival game..."

Leader: "It has a disclaimer that says we are not responsible if you get killed, attacked by wild man-eating boars, etcetera... This is the village of the bloody mist. I imagine this is a life or death version of Survivor."

Zetsu: "Even if we run out of food I will be okay."

Deidara: "I want everyone to know that I refuse to get eaten like Sasori."

Leader: "Well, we will see what happens. It says to meet at the tropical forest on the west side of the island at 10 am tomorrow morning. None of you had better be late."

Rest of Akatsuki: "Agreed."

_(The Akatsuki arrive at the said place at the said time.)_

Game Host "Welcome to Hidden Mist Island! The contestants will enter a grueling five day survival test. You can vote for or against the contestants. Each person gets one vote for each contestant. You can vote until the last person who has not been voted off is left. That person is the winner. As you can see, it is not just how about survival skills, but popularity. You can vote by mail, email, in person or have your handy shinobi animal bring us the vote. Our contestants this year are the Akatsuki. Please welcome them even though they are S class criminals listed in the bingo book of every nation!"

Crowd: "...Boo!"

Game Host: "Please also welcome the main voting groups: The entire village of Sunagakure, Team Orochimaru (Sasuke, Kabuto, Orochimaru,) and teams 7 and 8 of Konoha.

Akatsuki Leader: "We have entire villages voting against us??!!"

Game host: "Okay let's begin!" 

_The Akatsuki venture into the wilderness,with only a two day supply of food for five days.)_

_Day 1_

Leader: "Obviously, we have to hunt for food after the first two days."

Zetsu: "I'm not worried about the food. I can just eat one of you."

Rest of Akatsuki: chills

Leader: "Paycheck deduction!"

Zetsu: "..."

Bluie: "It says here in this manual that we are supposed to make huts to sleep in."

Leader: "Okay, then we will need to make three huts."

Bluie: "Four. I get an entire hut."

Leader: "Fine. I want to conserve the food they gave us for the last three days. We will hunt until the last three days. Kakuzu, Hidan and Kisame, go get us enough wood to make four huts. Itachi, you stay and prepare a fire. Zetsu and Deidara, you make us some fishing poles."

Itachi: "They can catch fish without those. Only the weak need fishing poles."

Leader: "..." 

_(All of the Akatsuki leave exept the Leader, Bluie, Tobi and Itachi.)_

Tobi: "What should Tobi do?"

Leader: "Just sit there and don't bother me." 

_(Itachi prepares a fire using some wood and one of his weaker fire techniques.)_

Bluie: "Itachi, I have been meaning to tell you something."

Itachi: "..." (hoping for a confession of love)

Bluie: "You do realize that you are actually really ugly, right?"

_(Sorry, all Itachi fan girls.)_

Itachi: "...What?!"

_(Itachi suffers a complete mental breakdown, and faints out of shock.)_

Bluie: "Yeah! His popularity probably went down after that. And I will have one less person to compete with for the top spot."

Leader: "We actually need Itachi because of his fire abilities. I don't know if that was a good idea or not."

Bluie: "We can use Deidara's explosions to start a fire."

Leader: "They might be a bit big, though..."

Game Host: "I came to tell all of you something."

Leader: "What is it?"

Game Host: "Itachi is very close to being voted off of the island. You get him to do everything you want him to do before that happens."

Leader: "Well, like Bluie said, we can use Deidara." 

_(Itachi wakes and hears all of this.)_

Itachi: "...I had better not get voted off!"

_(The rest of Akatsuki come back with a fishing rod and material for huts._

_Deidara glues the wood together with explosive clay and cover them with extra Akatsuki cloaks. The Akatsuki eat and go to sleep in their new huts. No one has been voted off of the show yet.)_

Day 2

_(Itachi is woken at five a.m. by the clay in his hut exploding and the wood collapsing down on him. The rest of the Akatsuki are woken up by the explosion and come outside. He climbs out of the mess and confronts Deidara.)_

Itachi: "Deidara, I know that you are responsible for this."

Tobi: "Deidara was asleep when the explosion woke him up."

Itachi: "Deidara is the only one who could have triggered the clay to explode."

Deidara: "I must have said the trigger word in my sleep. Sorry about that, Itachi no Danna." _Thinking. I got him, yeah. Just a small part of my plan of revenge against him for making me join Akatsuki. Waahaahahaa! I set the clay to explode before I went to sleep at a certain hour.)_

Itachi: "Just make sure it does not happen again."

Game Host: "Itachi-san! You got voted off of the show! The final vote was from someone named Sasuke."

Itachi: "Sasuke voted? I should have taken him out with the rest of the clan... but I didn't because he owed me money... and he never paid me back ."

Kisame: "Since you got voted off of the show, you must be weak. Why are you so weak? It's because you lack gills."

Itachi: "I will turn you into sushi, Kisame."

Kisame: "I can beat the crap out of a pretty boy like you any day."

Itachi: "Funny, that's not what I remember. As I recall I beat the crap out of you using Tsukiyomi."

_(See Tales of the House of the Red Moon Part 1-Return of the Weasel.)_

Kisame: "I personally think the Tsukiyomi is cheating."

Itachi: "So? I cheat at all of our poker games. That's why I can beat even the Leader."

Kisame: "You've been cheating?!"

Rest of Akatsuki: "That means you owe all of us money!!"

Itachi: "I'm not paying."

Game Host: "Itachi you will have to come with me. You have been voted of off the island. You can't stay here. We have a ship that will take to wherever your base is on the mainland."

Itachi: "Wait, I can't just leave this area of the island?"

Game Host: "Losers have to leave the entire island for at least seven days."

Kisame: "Don't worry, Itachi. I will bring your luggage back to the base if I remember."

Itachi: "Are we allowed to kill any of the voters?" 

Game Host: "Only if they are someone we don't like."

Itachi: "His name is Sasuke Uchiha."

Game Host: "He is not on my list of people we allowed to kill."

Itachi: "Either I stay on the island, or I kill Sasuke. You choose."

Game Host: "Neither one of those is allowed."

_(Itachi starts to unleash the Tsukiyomi on the game host, but is stopped by the leader, who does not want be disqualified from getting the money. Itachi then goes back to Akatsuki base or house or wherever.)_

Kisame: "Yes! For once, I can be away from that jerk!"

Deidara: "I thought that you two were friends. You got the 'Best Teamwork' award of the Akatsuki from Leader-sama."

Kisame: "I don't like him at all. I only pretend to get along with him so he will not try that Tsukiyomi 72 hour shark meat thing."

Deidara: "Want to help me kill Itachi?"

Kisame: "Maybe when his eyes are normal. Hey, wait! You are trying to kill Itachi?!"

Deidara: "He defeated me and now I want revenge, yeah."

_(note: This is true.)_

Kisame: "..."

_**Elsewhere...**_

Sasuke: "Getting him kicked off the island was so much fun. Let's see who else I can get voted of the island."

Gaara: "I claim the last vote against Deidara."

Sasuke: "That outfit... You became Kazekage?!"

Gaara: "And you are Naruto are still just genin. Pitiful."

Sasuke: "...Wait you did not say that Sakura was still a genin?"

Gaara: "She's a chunin. She is the only one of your team that is not still a genin."

Sasuke: "Naruto and I are lower ranked than Sakura?! I really should take the chunin exam of some village sometime..."

_**Back to Akatsuki island...**_

Tobi: "Run away!"

Deidara: "Hn."

Tobi: "I'm being chased by a six foot long wild boar!"

Leader: "Quick! Lead the boar toward Kakuzu! He's expendable!"

Bluie: "That is so cold."

_(The boar lands a hit on Tobi's face, cutting him a little bit and breaking off his mask. Then the boar heads toward Deidara , who promptly uses a bomb on it.)_

Deidara: "Roast pig, anyone?"

Zetsu: "I'll have some."

_(Zetsu eats the whole pig in one gulp.)_

Leader: "You idiot! That would have fed all of us for at least two days!"

Zetsu: "It's not my fault that I eat so much. It's the plant."

Leader:Sure. Someone check on Tobi and see if he is still alive."

Bluie: "I'll go." _(thinking: I want see what's under the mask.)_

_(She drags him unconscious out the raging river that he fallen into.)_

Bluie: "This..."

Leader: "What is it?"

Leader: "Gahhh!"

Deidara: "Hold on, I want to see!"

_(They all look at Tobi's face in shock.)_

Bluie: "He's prettier than Deidara or Itachi."

_(Hey, it could happen.)_

Leader: (thinking: _"Hmmmm... He looks even better than I do. Maybe I should fire him... Nahh.")_

Deidara: "It's not true! It's a lie! I am much prettier than Tobi!"

_(Tobi wakes up now.)_

Tobi: "Tobi is a good boy!"

Deidara: "Urk..."

Bluie: "His personality is kind of annoying, though."

Leader: "I can't remember why I hired him."

Bluie: "He paid you off, remember?"

Leader: "Oh, yeah."

Kakuzu: "Money... kukukuku..."

Tobi: "My mask is broken. I know, I will just make a new mask out of wood!"

_(He makes the mask and puts it on.)_

Tobi: "What do you think, Deidara-senpai?"

Deidara: "I think you are a complete idiot, yeah."

Tobi: "..."

**Day 3**

Tobi: "Tobi is going to go get us some coconuts!"

Hidan: "I'll go with him. I'm going sickle-fishing."

Bluie: "Is that like spear fishing?"

Leader: "Be back by sun down, okay?"

_(Tobi and Hidan leave for the coconut forest.)_

Deidara: "Odd. I haven't seen Kisame around all morning. I wonder where he is?"

Leader: "Probably swimming. He is a shark."

Zetsu: "I would like to announce that I am going to do my best to beat all of you. I want to stay on this island forever with my new wife."

Bluie: "Uhhhh..."

Leader: "That's so wrong..."

Deidara: "You married a coconut tree!?"

Kakuzu: "..."

Zetsu: "I personally think that she is better than the palm tree I might at the beach. What do you guys think?"

Rest of Akatsuki: "..."

Leader: "You can't stay here forever even if you win. Who else could I find with your abilities?"

Zetsu: "If you can find a way to bring her back alive..."

Leader: "...I might try..."

Bluie: "Seriously?"

Leader: "We can't afford to lose Zetsu."

Deidara: "..."

Tobi: "I can't find any coconut trees besides the one you fell in love with, Zetsu-san."

Zetsu: "Don't touch her."

Tobi: "Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will just do without coconuts."

Deidara: "Can't he just climb up there and get some coconuts?"

Zetsu: "And damage her bark!? Never!"

Deidara: "...It must be pathetic to be you..." 

Zetsu: "What do you mean?" 

Deidara: "Never mind."

_(Hidan comes back at this time Kisame stuck on his sickle, badly wounded. The rest of the Akatsuki look on in horror.)_

Leader: "Just what do you think you are doing!?"

Hidan: "The rest of the fish either swam off or were to small for my sickle. Kisame's a fish, right? Is it okay to eat him?"

Leader: "Nooo!"

_(Kisame's wounds are treated and he decides to stay on the island.)_

Hidan: "...What's going on? Tobi was supposed to get coconuts?"

Leader: "There has been a slight problem..."

_(He explains the situation to Hidan.)_

Hidan: "You should have let Tobi done that, Zetsu! Would have been better than what I'm about to do. After all, I want coconuts, too."

_(Hidan slashes down the coconut tree with his sickle. Zetsu briefly looks on in horror and then his plant completely wilts. Tobi is shown eating coconuts while looking guilty at the same time.)_

Tobi: "I kind of feel sorry for Zetsu-san."

Kisame: "Feel sorry for me! At least Zetsu didn't get sickle-fished by Hidan!"

Tobi: "...Sorry, Kisame-san."

Kisame: "..."

Leader: "Well, that solves one of our problems."

Game Host: "Hidan, after all of that stuff you did, you have been voted off of the island. You too Zetsu."

Zetsu: "Why me?"

Game Host: "Your marriage to a coconut tree freaked out the viewers."

Zetsu: "At least let me take some of the wood with me and bury it!"

Game Host: "...Okay. You can do that."

_(Zetsu gathers up the wood and puts it in the boat.)_

Hidan: "I don't understand why Itachi and I have both been voted off. We both have plenty of fangirls that should have been voting."

Game Host: "They did vote. Apparently, you both have far more enemies than fangirls."

Hidan: "...Make me leave!"

Leader: "I order you to leave, Hidan! I do not want to be disqualified!"

Hidan: "And you still give orders while we are on this island!? I don't have listen, you know."

_(The leader precedes to beat the crap out of Hidan with a bunch of secret techniques. What's left of Hidan is shipped off of the island. Of course, he's still alive. Zetsu gets in the boat with what's left of the coconut tree. He buries it at Akatsuki base. [The Akatsuki base is a house where all of the Akatsuki live that does not exist in the series, but is very popular in fandom.)_

Bluie: "I'm still here."

Leader: "It's down to Tobi, Deidara, Bluie, Kakuzu, Kisame, and myself. I wonder who will win? If it were not for the voting, Hidan and Zetsu probably would have won."

Rest of Akatsuki: "..."

_(The Akatsuki go to sleep to be ready for the next morning, exept for Kakuzu, who stays up counting his money.)_

**Day 4**

Bluie: "Can we eat the food they gave us today?"

Leader: "Yes. Kakuzu, get it out."

Kakuzu: "There is only chocolate in here! Is that all they gave us!?"

Deidara: "It looks like there is a piece of paper with something written on it."

Leader: "Let me see that."

_(He open the folded piece of paper and reads it.)_

Leader: "It reads: 'Sorry, guys, a whole roast pig and all the other stuff I ate was not enough to fill my stomaches.'

STOMACHES?! 00;;

'...So I ate all of the food except for the chocolate. Bluie would probably have killed me if I had eaten that, and besides, it is not that filling anyway. Signed, Zetsu."

Leader: "I think I will deduct more of his pay! This means we will have to hunt the rest of the time!"

Tobi: "Tobi is a good boy, though, right leader-sama?"

Leader: "..."

Game Host: "Deidara and Kakuzu have been voted off of the island!"

Deidara: "How could they??!! How could they vote off a bishie like me?!"

Game Host: "It was Sunagakure and the Gaara fangirls. They are still mad at you for what you did to Gaara."

Deidara: "...I guess my fangirls were not enough..."

Kakuzu: "I can make more money on the mainland, anyway."

_(Deidara and Kakuzu leave in the ship. The Akatsuki who were voted off are back at the base ,waiting on the others.)_

Bluie: "That chocolate was good. I'm glad Zetsu left for me."

Kisame: "I wonder who will get voted off next."

Game host: "Bluie, you just got voted out by all the Akatsuki fangirls who are jealous of you. Man, even I voted for you. Sorry you didn't win."

Bluie: "Uhhh... thanks... I think..."

Leader: "Wait just a minute! You are allowed to vote?!"

Game Host: "I only voted for Bluie because she is the only kunoichi in the group. That's why I didn't vote for you, if that is what you mean."

Leader: "...I guess that makes sense."

Bluie: "Goodbye."

Leader: "Goodbye."

Game Host: "You are going with her, you know."

Leader: "What?!"

Game Host: "You got voted off."

Leader: "I'm the leader! I run Akatsuki! This an outrage! An outrage!"

Game Host: "Every one who hates Akatsuki voted against you. I can see how you lost."

Leader: "Tobi, this is all your fault! This was supposed to be a vacation. I'm considering firing you or at least deducting your pay."

Tobi: "But Tobi is a good boy!"

Leader: "You idiot. Kisame, please try and win this thing for us. I don't think Tobi is capable of that. And bring all of our luggage with you."

Kisame: "I'll try my best."

_(The Leader and Bluie leave for Akatsuki base.)_

**Day 5-The Final Day**

Tobi: "It's the last day, Kisame-san"

Kisame: "There has to be a winner, right? That means one of us will win."

Tobi: "Tobi will win because Tobi is a good boy!"

Kisame: "Sigh..."

Game Host: "We have a winner!"

Kisame: "Who? My mom is the Mizukage, so it must me, right?"

Game Host: "The winner of Akatsuki Island is none other than..."

_(Kisame and Tobi both think it's them)_

Game Host: "...Tobi!!!!"

Tobi: "Yay! Tobi won because Tobi is a good boy!"

Kisame: "I lost?"

_(Kisame's cellphone rings. It's Itachi on the phone.)_

Kisame: "What do you want?"

Itachi: "You lost because you are so weak. Why are yous so weak? It's because you lack..."

Kisame: "I am hanging up!"

beep

Kisame: "Stupid Itachi. He got kicked off of the Island before I did."

Game Host: "Here is your grand prize, Tobi. Three hundred billion dollars and a new exact replica of your old mask, plus passes to next year's game. Congratulations! Smile for the camera!"

Tobi: "Hi Mom! Tobi is a good boy!"

Kisame: "Wait! Who cast the final vote for Tobi?"

Game host: "Let's see... oh, it was the new Mizukage."

Kisame: "My mother??!!"

Game Host: "It says that she was impressed by what a good boy he was."

Kisame: "This is why I left the village." 

_(Tobi heads back to base on a lunary liner. Kisame gets stuck carrying back the Akatsuki luggage on a regular ship. The Leader gets 50 percent of the money, while Deidara is given about 20 percent of the money by Tobi. Tobi keeps the rest of the money._

_And Kakuzu spends the next year upset that he did not see a single dollar.)_

Tobi: "I have entrances for next year. Want to come to that, too?"

Leader: "No! We are done with this stupid, incorrect game. Any game that makes me lose should be outlawed! It's back to Jinchuriki hunting! We are not going back!"

Bluie: "But we only had one real day of vacation."

Leader: "Deal with it."

Deidara: "We'll catch more jinchuriki, hm."

**THE END**


	3. Akatsuki School

Tales of the House of the Red Moon Part 03-College Akatsuki

(This happens in the three year gap before the time jump. And you wondered what the Akatsuki were doing then! Ignore the fact that there are characters who have not appeared before the time jump. And the fact that Sasori is there. The college is in the Village Hidden in the Rain, where the leader comes from. This fanfic is dedicated to '"Fun with the Akatsuki," so there are a lot of references to that. Crispy is from "Fun with the Akatsuki.")

Pein: "I have decided for us to start a college for future Akatsuki members. We really need more than 9 members to be able to rule the world. Those who pass will either be new members or new underlings. We will call it 'College Akatsuki.'"

Itachi: "What if the Anbu discover it?"

Leader: "We will build it under the guise of being a normal college. If they suspect anything, you can drag out your old Anbu outfit and tell them everything is okay. They can't see who you are beneath that stupid little mask."

Itachi: "...But you know I go crazy in that outfit, right?"

Pein: "Itachi, you're crazy even without that outfit." 

Itachi: "But more so in the costume. The mask makes me think I'm somebody else."

Pein: "Who?"

Itachi: "Uchiha Madara!"

Pein: "Okay..."

Tobi: "..."

Bluie: "Do we get to choose what courses we teach?"

Pein: "You will teach the courses most appropriate for you."

Kisame: "I have a bad feeling about this..." 

Tobi: "Tobi is a good teacher!"

Deidara: "I don't have time to teach, yeah. I could be using that time for my art."

Pein: "You can have fun teaching people to explode clay. It's the perfect course for you!"

Deidara: "...I guess I will do it..."

Zetsu: "Can we eat the students?"

Rest of Akatsuki: OO;

Leader: "I might let you eat the students that don't pass."

Bluie: "Harsh."

Hidan: "This is going to be fun!" 

Kakuzu: "...Money..."

Pein: "All right. We took over another college to turn it into this. So, the building is ready. Okay, here are your courses. Deidara: Art, including ceramics; Sasori, you are in charge of the school drama group; Hidan, you are in charge of P.E.; Kakuzu: accounting and other math; Bluie: Biology; Itachi: School counselor/medic; Kisame: janitor and grounds keeper; Zetsu: Cooking and Tobi: School mascot and vice principal. I will be the Principal and the one in charge of the class '_Akatsuki:101: How to rule the world in thirty days.' _The rest of the courses will be taught by our underlings."

Itachi: "But we still don't rule the world and it's been over five years. Thirty days? I don't know what you..."

Pein: "Shut up, Itachi. Go hug Crispy or something."

Itachi: "I don't do hugs."

Pein:"..."

Bluie: "Give me those froggies!"

Pein: "Um...the students are the ones who are going to be doing that..."

Kisame: "I brought the supply of frogs for the biology class..."

_(Kisame comes holding Gamakichi, Gamatatsu, and other members of Gamabunta's family.)_

Itachi: "Those look familiar..."

Kisame: "..._"_

Deidara: "I'm grateful that someone finally recognizes my artistic talent."

Tobi: "Tobi is a good boy! "

Kakuzu: "Let's discuss salaries."

Pein: "I'll give you each $5 cash and a KitKat bar. Bluie gets $50. Be happy with that."

Kisame: "Why does Bluie get so much more? Is she really your girlfriend, after all?"

Pein: "Shut up."

Kisame: "..."

Sasori: "I think that is a decent amount of mon-"

Kakuzu: "Shut up, Sasori! You only think that because you are a starving artist! Leader-sama, you really expect us to work for that measly amount of money?!"

Pein: "You can pick-pocket the students, if you want. It can be part of their training."

Kakuzu: "Fine."

Sasori: "Deidara, how much do you make with your art? I don't really think I'm a starving artist..."

Deidara: "Of course you are! Even I make more money than you, Sasori-Danna."

Sasori: "...With my money from Akatsuki, I guess I will be okay."

Bluie: "Are trying to raise suspicion? What are you thinking, putting Zetsu in charge of cooking class?!"

Pein: "Let's just sit back and watch the mayhem that ensues."

Bluie: "..."

Kisame: "Why do I get a horrible position like janitor?! And why in the world is Tobi the vice principal?!"

Pein: "You were the main character in Akatsuki island. This is to make up for that. Tobi is vice principal because... well, that's a secret."

Kisame: "You are just jealous that I got so much screen time!"

Pein: "Don't worry. You will probably show up more in the next story."

Kisame: "Sigh..."

Pein: "The first day of school starts tomorrow."

Akatsuki 101:

Pein: "Welcome, students! Congrats on choosing the one and only Akatsuki College. The graduates with the highest grades will become new full fledged Akatsuki members, plus they will get this stylish red cloud coat and one ring. We didn't have enough rings, so Deidara is going to make us more (out of exploding clay.) If you fail to graduate... BWHAHAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHAAA... you will be... Zetsu's next meal."

Student 01: "Nice cloak."

Student 02: "The penalty for failure is kind of harsh."

Student 03: "Wait, are we trying to rule the world?! I was told that this was an art college!"

Deidara: "It is an art college. Bwwaahhaaaa."

Pein: "Deidara, what are doing here? You are supposed to be in class now."

Deidara: "The classroom is now longer there. I got a little to excited about explosions and I launched a C4 Garuda..."

Pein: "You idiot! Did any of the students survive!?"

Deidara: "I think half of them made it out in time. The rest are in the medical station with Itachi."

Pein: "...Gather up the remaining students and move to a spare room to finish class."

_(Deidara looks a student 03 for a moment.)_

Deidara: "Mochi! What are you doing here?"

Mochi: "I thought this was a legitimate art college! Are you actually teaching ceramics here?! You should have called me! I taught you everything you know! I could do a far better job than you. And I've created a great new technique! Want to see it?!"

Deidara: "Um... Maybe later. Stop making me look like an idiot who learned everything from his older sister! And in front of Leader-sama, too."

Mochi: "All of that is true, though."

Pein: "If you graduate, I might replace Deidara with you."

Deidara: "Get out of here, o-nechan!"

Mochi: "If Leader-sama will let me leave, then fine."

Pein: "I refuse to lose your talents. I'll make an Akatsuki out of you yet!"

Deidara: "Leader-sama, she isn't even a missing-nin. She will probably report this place to the Anbu..."

Pein: "Get back to your class, Deidara."

Mochi: "Are you sure he's the most qualified one to teach it?"

Deidara: "I'll remember this, o-ne-chan!"

_(Deidara leaves, looking very angry.)_

Mochi: "I wonder if he came off of his medication..."

Pein: "Was he ever on medication? He must have come off of it before joining Akatsuki... All right, back to class."

Pein: "Now, our plan to conquer the world is to raise up talented shinobi like yourselves, raise money, capture bijuu, etc. for our ultimate goal of world domination. If you are not a shinobi, you can go back to your village, take all the tests, get your headband, hopefully become at least chunin and then scratch though your village symbol, flee your village, and come back to Akatsuki. Students who already have head bands will scratch through the headband symbol at the graduation ceremony. I'm told that 90 percent of you are shinobi that want to join Akatsuki. The rest of you are probably losers who fell for that false normal college rumor... We request all of you to sign these 'do not sue us' waiver forms before you leave.

_(The students all sign them.)_

Pein: "Class is now dismissed. Be sure to come next weak for our 'Piercing and You' seminar. P.E. is next, don't be late."

_**Intermission: Itachi and the students whom Deidara wounded.**_

Itachi: "Why were you five not able to escape without getting wounded like the others? It's because you're weak. Why are weak? It's because you lack hatred."

Students: "Um, we are bleeding a lot. You're a medic. Aren't supposed to treat us?"

Itachi: "If you are weak you don't deserve..."

Student 01: "But I'm your number one fan girl. I got hurt on purpose just so I could see you!"

Itachi: "..."

_(Student 01 glomps Itachi, which causes him to fall over into a stack of needles. Crispy looks on in horror.)_

Itachi: "You... I'll kill you..."

Student 01: "But I love you lots!"

Itachi: "Well, I don't love anyone! Why do you think I destroyed the Uchiha clan?!"

Student 01: "You are so cute when you are angry! So, are you going to kill me?"

Itachi: "Foolish fan girl... you're not even worth killing..."

Crispy: "..."

_(Crispy and Itachi treat them, and incredibly, they all survive- even though Itachi has eye issues and is not a medical ninja... and even though Crispy is dead.)_

_**Class 455: PE Pain and You**_

Hidan: "Fellow shinobi and ignorant unlucky people, class will now begin. We are going to be doing dodge ball- but dodge ball unlike any other! Dodge ball featuring _this_ ball. The spiky clear ball filled with Deidara's special automatically exploding clay! Get ready, students! This will teach you Akatsuki-style dodging skills!"

Shinobi students: "We can do this."

Normal students: "This is worse than normal PE."

Hidan: "Ready?..."

Kakuzu: "I came to suggest something to you."

Hidan: "I'm in the middle of class."

Kakuzu: "Why can't they use your head as the ball?"

Hidan: "Do you want to die, Kakuzu?!"

Kakuzu: "Not before I get my first paycheck."

Hidan: "Then leave! This ball is a lot more dangerous than my head."

_(SuperGrouper says that this is debatable.)_

Kakuzu: "Fine. I'll leave."

Hidan: "Let's start. He throws the ball, which everyone dodges except for the same poor people who also got hit by Deidara's C4 Garuda."

Hidan: "F's for all off you! "

Students: "...ugn..."

Shinobi students: "I think some of them may be dead..."

Students: "...Most of us are still alive..."

Hidan: "The rest of you get A's on this test. Class is dismissed."

_**Intermission: What to do with the unfortunate people who are not shinobi and were tricked into going to this school. **_

Pein: "I think feeding students to Zetsu this early might arouse suspicion. All of you can have one more year to improve your grades. If you do, you won't get kicked out, or eaten by Zetsu."

_(note: Most of them do improve their grades.)_

Students: "But we want to leave!"

Student 01: "I don't! I want to stay near my beloved Itachi-sama!"

Pein: "You get out of here! I won't have any fan girls around. And Itachi does not teach anything, so you won't get to see him much anyway."

Student 01: "That's the reason I have been repeatedly getting injured, just so I could go the medical center to see him."

Pein: "...You're insane."

Student 01: "I know. That's why you should send me to the school counselor, Itachi-sama!"

Pein: "Forget it. I'm not doing that. You can stay, however, as long as your grades improve."

Tobi: "Are sure, Leader-sama?"

Pein: "It would take to much effort to drag a persistent fan girl off campus. It would not be worth it."

Tobi: "I'm not sure if that's fair to Itachi-san."

Pein: "He deserves it, the stupid little weasel."

Tobi: "..."

Student 02: "I thought I was a strong shinobi..."

Class 342: Biology Dissecting Jiraiya's frogs

Bluie: "Welcome to this biology class. Today we will be dissecting frogs."

Student 01: "How does this help our training?" 

Bluie: "Ummm... What training?"

Student 01: "You are supposed to be training us to become future Akatsuki, even if we have never been shinobi before."

Bluie: "If you aren't shinobi you probably won't pass anyway. We'll feed you to Zetsu. But this training is to get you used to blood."

Student 01: "If we graduate, we will be shinobi, right?"

Bluie: "You have to become a shinobi by getting a headband. Do you want try to become a genin at 23? It's too late for you, Student 01."

Student 01: "If I pass I can still become a member of Akatsuki, right? Then, I will be a shinobi without a headband."

Bluie: "I guess so. Now let's get those froggies!"

Student 01: "I'll open this cage ...oops, they got out."

Bluie: "Catch them! Hurry!"

Mochi: "I caught Gamatastu and the ninja toad, but Gamakitchi got away."

Bluie: "Great work. Let's get to work on those dissections..."

Student 02: "Um... There appears to be a frog as large as the school outside."

Student 01: "That's Gamabunta. Gamakichi must have run and told him what was going on."

Bluie: "It's so... big! The whole class could dissect that thing!"

Mochi: "Look, do you even realize what's going on? That's one of the beasts of the Sannin!"

Bluie: "How did it get here so fast?"

Gamabunta: "How dare you try to do this to my son! You pay for it with your life!"

_(Gamabunta wounds Bluie but the Leader saves her from getting killed. Gamabunta escapes back to Konoha with all of his sons, safe and intact.)_

Pein: "This is all Kisame's fault. I'll go tell him to get us some regular frogs."

Bluie: "... I bet it would have tasted like chicken."

Pein: "...I wish I had not heard that..."

**Later...**

Bluie: "Okay, now that Kisame has gotten us normal frogs, we will proceed with this class."

_Much later after all the gore..._

Bluie: "Class is now finished. You can go to whatever class of yours is next." _(Said in a sweet, motherly voice)_

_**Class 709: Art sub-course Bombs and you**_

Deidara: "Ahem. Class will now resume in this room. Class will run a little longer due to the time loss earlier... (thinking: _I'll show Mochi what I can do._) Now, students, I will teach you how to fight the Sharingan!"

Students: "You are supposed to teach us how to make clay bombs!"

Mochi: "Incompetent as usual."

Deidara: "What are you doing here?! You aren't taking this class, hm."

Mochi: "Leader-sama asked me to come teach them the technique that I mastered that you do not know."

Deidara: "Get out of here!"

Mochi: "This technique is great at countering the Sharingan."

Deidara: "Hnnnnnnn. I guess that you can help... (thinking: _I'll learn this technique too._)"

Mochi: "Our ultimate family technique: Sewage Revenge!"

_(She hurls a huge compact bomb that has more bombs inside of it into the drain of the art sink. The bombs separate and go throughout the entire school sewage system, causing every toilet, sink and water fountain in the school to explode and rain a huge waterfall of sewage.)_

Deidara: "... How is that our ultimate technique?! How would that counter the Sharingan?!"

Mochi: "Simple. Your opponent is too grossed out to fight after being covered in sewage and then you beat the crap out of them. It will even work on the Uchiha. You just have to have some sewage around."

Deidara: "...I don't know..."

Students: OO;;;;;;;;; (speechless)

_Pein walks in covered in sewage._

Pein: "Deidara! What in the world have you done?! I was innocently washing my hands when the sink exploded!"

Deidara: "...Uh oh. oo; ...it was o-nechan! She is the one that did it! By the way, did it get Itachi?"

Pein: "I think it was really you! Paycheck deduction! And no, Itachi was out of the building at the time. Kisame was watering the gardens when sewage exploded out of the hose..."

Deidara: "Um... Sorry. But it really was o-nechan..."

Pein: "You do realize that all of you are standing knee up in raw sewage, right?"

Deidara: "...I guess I will have to cancel class. A few students have successfully learned the C4 Garuda... I will have to teach the rest later. Is Kisame going to clean this up?"

Pein: "This mess is going to take more than one person. We will have Kisame wash out the whole school with his water techniques and then have you and Hidan clean up the remaining sewage. I'm out of here for the day. I'm going to go home and get the sewage off... Tobi is in charge for the rest of the day."

Deidara: "Tobi?! There is no way I'm taking orders from..."

Pein: glares

Deidara: "Alright then. I guess I will..."

Pein: "Good."

_( He leaves.)_

Deidara: "This all your fault, O-nechan."

Mochi: "Sorry."

Tobi: "Cleaning duty now."

Hidan: "Deidara, you jerk! How dare you do this! More work for me! I could be reading Akatsuki hentai!"

_(note: yes, Hidan is more evil than most people realize.)_

_The rest of the Akatsuki present glare at him._

Hidan: "Did I say hentai? I meant G-rated fics. Heh."

Kisame: "Water time!"

Deidara: "Wait, the people should get out of the building first." 

Kisame: "Future Akatsuki can take it."

_(He sends a huge tidal wave through the whole school. It's pretty clean now, but everyone is soaked. )_

Tobi: "Feel the Uchiha Madara cleaning power!"

Kisame: "...What? You're going to clean? But...you're the vice principal."

Tobi: "I am not cleaning. I'm going to supervise."

Kisame: "Makes sense."

Student 01: "Whew... I survived that tidal wave..."

Random guy student: "Come quick! There are sharks swimming in the school pool!"

Deidara: "Do we even have a school pool?"

Kisame: "Yes. I had to clean that out too. It had sewage in it. I thought it looked empty without anything in it."

Tobi: "Just leave them in there. It will teach them dodging and speed swimming skills."

Kisame: "..."

Deidara: "Are we allowed to bomb them?" 

Tobi: "We teachers have a better pool at Pein's house."

Deidara: "I still might use the school one... and bomb some sharks..."

Kisame: "Don't you dare hurt them! They... they are like the children I never had..."

Rest of Akatsuki: OO;

Hidan: "Let's get to work."

_**Intermission: Cleaning up the mess AKA: Chronicles of Hidan's Sewage ordeal.**_

Kisame: "Mopping these little corner spots is annoying."

Deidara: "I'm going to go clean up the guy's bathroom."

Hidan: "...Maybe I'll..."

Kisame: "A gator! It must have come from the sewer! Gators are our rivals... "

_(Kisame swings his sword at the gator but misses and... Hidan loses his head... again.)_

Hidan: "You idiot! If I could move my body, I would kill you."

_(Kisame swings again, and this time kills the gator.)_

Hidan: "Do even realize what you did to me?!"

Deidara: "Let's have some fun."

_(He grabs Hidan's head and runs off with it.)_

Tobi: "Bring that back this instant, Deidara! And Kisame, you missed a spot."

_(Kisame gets back to work, while Tobi runs after Deidara.)_

Hidan: "You idiot! Just what do you intend to do?"

Deidara: "Bwaaahhaaaa!!"

Hidan: "You beep! Put me down!"

_(Deidara arrives at guys' restroom and drops Hidan's head in the toilet.)_

Hidan: "Hey! garble garble what are you doing?! What is this for?!"

Deidara: "Kakuzu paid me $100 bucks to do this and record it."

_(Deidara grabs a DVD camcorder and then flushes the toilet.)_

Hidan: "Kakuzu, you beep beep beep! I will remember this! Deidara, one day I will get revenge on you!"

Deidara: "BWAHAAHAA!"

Tobi: "I came to stop you but this is kind of fun to watch."

_(They get their fill watching Hidan flushed repeatedly, and then leave. Kakuzu only gives Deidara $50, but he accepts it. [Deidara: "Since I'm a starving artist..." Kakuzu keeps the DVD for future blackmail. The school is entirely cleaned and the sewage systems are repaired now. Poor Hidan's head is still in the toilet... They forgot him...)_

Deidara: "Only $50... hm."

Itachi: "Seems like there was an incident, Crispy. My office is covered in something wet. I wonder what it is..."

_**Class 239: Embezzling and You**_

Kakuzu: "This class is going to teach you how to embezzle, steal, perform ID theft and all sorts of other Akatsuki ways of making money."

Student 01: "This sounds hard."

Student 02: "..."

Mochi: "I make plenty of money without this."

Kakuzu: "Is that right?! That must be nice for you! How about giving me some of that money! Better yet, give me all of it so I can leave Akatsuki and move to the beach!"

Mochi: "I left all of my money at home for that reason."

Kakuzu: "An F! You get an F!" 

Mochi: "I'm going to put clay bombs in your septic tank."

Kakuzu: "...Fine! I won't give you an F! Stupid Deidara! His whole family is crazy!"

_(note: The leader introduced her to the rest of the Akatsuki.)_

Mochi: "... "

Kakuzu: "To steal someone's identity you..."

_(Hidan's body shows up at this point, pointing a sickle at Kakuzu.)_

Kakuzu: "I guess I never sewed his head back on... I wonder where the head is..."

Student 02: "It is in the guys' bathroom in one of the toilets..."

Kakuzu: "Excuse me while I go re-attach his head. Come with me, body."

_(Hidan's body follows Kakuzu.)_

Everyone: OO;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Student 01: "Itachi-sama is still way cooler than Hidan."

_**Intermission: Rescuing Hidan's head**_

Kakuzu: "So no one cared enough to get you out... that's what happens when you..."

Hidan: Shut up! You beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep beep This was all your idea! When I get out of here I'll have revenge on you, Deidara and that idiot Tobi!"

Kakuzu: "I just won't get you out, then."

Hidan: "No! Umm... Okay, how about a truce?"

Kakuzu: "Fine."

_(He gets Hidan's head out and sews it back onto his body.)_

Hidan: "Feels good to be back together again. My head is all wet..."

Kakuzu: "..."

_(Hidan leaves, and Kakuzu goes back to class.)_

_**Back to Kakuzu's class:**_

Kakuzu: "I'm bored. Class is canceled. I'm going to go play 'Naruto Ultimate Excel.'"

Class: "..."

Kakuzu: "What I want to know is why I am not a playable character."

Class: "...that was made before your appearance in the anime."

Kakuzu: "...I think I will play as Itachi...

_(He leaves)_

Mochi: "Let's go watch Sasori's play."

Student 01: "Good idea." (_note: bad idea. _;)

_**Elective 201: Drama and plays**_

Sasori: "Now that all of you have learned the basics of puppet combat, it's time for a little play. You can use puppets for entertainment, as well as combat. I call this play 'Puppet Love XXX.'"

Students: "..." OO

Student 01: "Wait, is that even possible for a puppet?"

Deidara: "..."

Tobi: "Stop! Stop! This play is canceled! Sasori, I'm banning you from any further plays! You are not a good boy..."

Sasori: "Grandma Chiyo says I'm a good boy."

Tobi: "Then she does not know what she is talking about."

Sasori: "Okay, what if I do a different play?"

Tobi: "As long as you keep the indecency to a minimum."

_(Tobi leaves.)_

Mochi: "Interesting play..."

Deidara: "..."

Sasori: "Okay, new play! '1,000 Castle-Taking puppets and You!'"

Audience: "..."

_(He proceeds to act out the time he took down an entire castle, but gets caught up in the moment and thinks it's real. He attempts to take over the campus, just like he took over that castle. He goes on a puppet terror streak, interrupting a bunch of classes and even attacking Pein. This backfires when Pein beats the crap out of him.)_

Deidara: "I think that there should have been more explosions."

Sasori: "You just don't understand art."

Deidara: "..."

Pein: "You idiot! You destroyed half the school! More repairs to be done..."

Sasori: "You're back?"

Pein: "Yes, I finally got all of the sewage off of my clothes... Now how do you explain this?"

_(He points to the damage.)_

Sasori: "Deidara put me up to it!"

Pein: "I don't believe that. Pay deduction."

Sasori: "..."

_**-Faculty meeting-**_

Pain: "When will you idiots learn? It's been one disaster after another! So many student casualties... now I've gotta find I way to cover it up so the Anbu don't investigate. And Deidara, you almost destroyed the entire school! And Sasori, doing X-rated plays?! I doubt there has been one class without incident these last three and half years."

_(note: Hey, you don't expect to actually write that much, right? Just realize that stuff like in this fanfic takes place about every day at the college... )_

Pein (continuing): "And Itachi, you, you are not doing your job! I find no problems with Tobi, because he's a good boy. And Kisame has been doing a pretty good job."

_(A note from SuperWombat: If only Tobi were still a good boy... )_

Pein (continuing): "You all had better do better, understand? Now what to do with all these bodies... Where did they go?!"

Zetsu: "..."

Deidara: "I told you the sewage thing was not my fault..."

Itachi: "I didn't know I was supposed to be doing my job right..."

Sasori: "You just don't appreciate art."

Kisame: "Puppet hentai is not art!"

_(Sasori glares at Kisame.)_

Kakuzu: "The students are the ones with the problems. I have not been able to steal nearly enough money."

Hidan: "The students need to toughen up."

Pein: "Zetsu, you didn't..."

Zetsu: "I haven't eaten all of them... yet."

Pein: "Where are the rest?!"

Zetsu: "In the hom-ec kitchen. What else did you think I was going to use for my cooking class?"

Pein: "You sick... I won't allow that! Get normal things like beef and eggs."

Bluie: "Pein, you knew that this would happen when you put Zetsu in charge of the cooking class. And now you complain..."

Pein: "...Maybe I should give Itachi the cooking class."

Zetsu: "Let me at least teach one class!"

Pein: "Fine. You can teach one and then Itachi takes over."

Zetsu: "Good."

Deidara: "..."

Itachi: "Cooking class..."

Sasori: "I love puppet hentai... I don't understand all of your complaints."

Rest of Akatsuki: OO

Pein: "End of faculty meeting."

_**Elective 205: Cooking and You (Zetsu Style)**_

Zetsu: "This class will now begin. Today, we will be cooking chicken. I couldn't find any real chicken in the area, so I brought something that tastes like chicken." OO;

_(He holds up Crispy, which causes Student 01 to shriek in horror.)_

Student 01: "How dare you threaten to do that to Itachi-sama's rabbit!"

Mochi: "Yeah! What are you trying to pull?! It's already cooked!"

Zetsu: "Um, well... I guess it is already cooked... but we can still use the meat for..."

Student 01: "I won't allow it!"

Itachi: "Give Crispy back!"

_(Itachi lunges at Zetsu, but misses because of his eyesight and falls face-forward into a bowl of of cake batter. Student 01 rescues Crispy and gives him back to Itachi. Itachi leaves after threatening Zetsu and ignoring Student 01's success in saving Crispy.)_

Student 01: "He' so cute when he pretends not to notice!"

Mochi: "I don't think he was pretending."

Student 02:"..."

Kisame: "Zetsu, I brought you some real chicken!"

_(The rest of the class ends without trouble. Zetsu gets a pay check deduction. After all these paycheck deductions, you begin to wonder if any of them are making any money anymore. )_

Pein: "I can use the excess money to buy a villa on the beach."

_**Elective 205: Cooking and you (Itachi Style) **_

Itachi: "The dish we are going to make today is shark fin soup."

Class: "..."

Kisame: "Did you need me for something, Itachi?"

Itachi: "Bwaahaaaaaa!"

_(Kisame looks around and sees the other ingredients for shark fin soup. It is just missing the meat... He begins to panic.)_

Kisame: "Um, Itachi? Have you snapped again? Like the time when you destroyed the Uchiha clan?"

Itachi: "Kisame, would you mind handing me that sushi knife?"

Kisame: "...No way! I am getting out of here!"

_(He runs away.)_

Itachi: "Come back here!"

_(Itachi runs after him but trips over Student 01's desk.Student 01 jumps on him and glomps him.)_

Itachi: "Let me go this instant!"

Student 01: "But I saved Crispy! I think you owe me something... how about a kiss?"

_(She puckers up and tries to kiss him.)_

Itachi: "This is a nightmare, right? Kisame, where are you?! Come here and pinch me!"

_Kisame, however, has fled the building._

Student 01: "There's no one to save you- OW!"

_(Student 01 passes out after Kakuzu hits her over the head with a desk.)_

Itachi: "Thanks, Kakuzu."

Kakuzu: "That will 200 bucks."

Itachi: "Forget it! I'm not paying! You can't do something and then ask someone to pay you!"

Kakuzu: "Grrrrrrr... perhaps I should wake her up..."

Itachi: "Uh... no, that's alright. Here's $30 and a can of soda."

Kakuzu: "You can owe the rest."

_(He takes the money and the soda and leaves.)_

Itachi: "Like I'm paying any more, that idiot."

Mochi: "What awesome blackmail material! I got the whole thing on DVD!"

Itachi: "Gahhh! Give it to me! Or it's Tsukiyomi time!"

Mochi: "If I don't look at your eyes, than you can't use it."

Itachi: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrr..."

Mochi: "I want $500 and a new car. A Mercedes."

Itachi: "You little... grrrr... I refuse!"

Mochi: "This footage all over YouTube... with people all over the world watching... including Sasuke..."

Itachi: "Gahhhh! Sasuke?!"

Mochi: "Yes. Sasuke."

Itachi: "Grrr... I don't even have $100 with me. Kakuzu stole most of my money this month."

Mochi: "Sasuke probably wouldn't have had his money stolen..."

Itachi: "You... I'll kill you!"

_(He lunges at her, but misses, landing face first on the floor. Mochi runs out of the room after that, video in hand.)_

Student 01: "I'm awake now... my head hurts..."

Rest of class: "..."

Student 01: "Huh?! Itachi-sama, what are you doing on the floor like that? Let me help you up..."

Itachi: "Enough! I have had enough! Sayonara, Student 01!"

Student 01: "What?!"

_(Itachi lunges at her with a katana wearing his Anbu suit, but Pein grabs him and Student 01 escapes.)_

Itachi: "Grrrrr..."

Pein: "This is the last time I give you a class... Back to the medical station for you... Why do you always go crazy when wearing the Anbu suit? This cooking class has caused to many problems. I'm terminating this class. Like shinobi need to learn how to cook well, anyway. Broiled fish is enough."

Bluie: "..."

Itachi: "Let's go, Crispy."

Crispy: "..."

_**Intermission: Akatsuki Movie Night**_

Pein: "Since it's Friday night, let's watch a movie."

Itachi: "Why?"

Bluie: "...We don't have to watch a movie every Friday night..."

Deidara: "I brought something that is not a movie but would be fun to watch. It is something I artistically recorded myself. I gave it to Kakuzu, though, so now I'm borrowing it back from him."

Sasori: "I don't know what to expect when I hear that."

Kakuzu:) "This is going to be fun."

Tobi: "Put the DVD in, senpai!"

Pein: "I guess we can watch that."

Zetsu: "My right half wants to watch the new Shippuden Naruto movie. But my left half wants to watch this."

Rest of Akatsuki: "..."

Pein: "Let's watch this."

_(Deidara puts the DVD in, and it turns out to be the DVD of Hidan's sewage ordeal.)_

Deidara: "LOL."

Sasori: "Did this actually happen? I wish I had helped..."

Deidara:"You were probably doing one of your stupid plays."

Sasori: "It's not stupid, it's art!"

Zetsu: "Heh... Fun to watch..."

Kisame: "I want a copy of this DVD."

Kakuzu: "I'll make a bunch of copies later."

Kisame: "Thanks."

Hidan: "Grrrrrr..."

Bluie: "When did this happen?!"

Pein: "What... What is this?! Is this what you idiots do during your free time?!"

Tobi: "Look, Tobi is on the screen! Tobi is star!"

Pein: "Tobi, you were in on this too?!"

Tobi: "I was there! But Tobi is a good boy!"

Pein: "I can't leave the rest of you alone, can I?! I leave the school for just a little while and something like this happens!"

Bluie: "Deidara, you are an idiot."

Deidara: "You just don't understand art, hm."

Kisame: "You call flushing Hidan's head art?! Although, it is amusing to watch..."

Itachi: "This... I like..."

Sasori: "Deidara calls everything art. He isn't a great art expert like muu-wa"

Bluie: "It's so wrong to hear a puppet speaking French..."

Deidara: "I understand art better than you, Sasori!"

Sasori: glares

Deidara: "Grrr..."

Pein: "You two, cut it out!"

Deidara: "Hm."

Sasori:"..." 

Hidan: "Deidara, Kakuzu, I will kill you both! How dare you show this DVD!"

Pein: "Calm down, Hidan! You can't kill them, we need their abilities."

Hidan: "Grrrrr... Fine... I'll just make a Deidara shaped target-practice thing like the Kakuzu one I already have."

Pein: "...Hey, this actually does look like it would be fun..."

Hidan: _(thinking: "Oh, no! Even Pein-sama likes it! I have to do something...")_

Hidan: "Psst... Hey, Bluie, you don't like this video right?"

Bluie: "What about my not liking it?"

Hidan: "If you could just go and get it..."

Itachi: "You're weak. Why are you weak? It's because you are so embarrassed about this video."

Hidan: "Shut up, you Uchiha idiot!"

_(Hidan yanks the video out of the set, and it gets tossed all over the room by people trying to save it from Hidan.)_

Hidan: "Give it to me, you beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"

Tobi: "Zetsu, think fast!"

_(He throws it to Zetsu, who doesn't know what to do except eat it.)_

Zetsu: "Chomp!... Chew... Chew... Chew... Pretty tasty for plastic."

Pein: "You idiot! We were trying to save it, not destroy it!"

Hidan: "Yes!" :)

Tobi: "Awwww..."

Sasori: "..."

Kakuzu: "How disappointing..." 

Deidara: "Lucky for me I backed up the whole thing on three DVDs, two computers,and my iPod."

_(note: Yes, Deidara has an iPod. Don't ask what's on it...)_

Kakuzu: "Yay! Wait, why did you need to borrow my DVD, then?"

Deidara: "It's not like I wanted mine with more holes than normal."

Kakuzu: "You will have to burn me another copy, then."

Deidara: "Fine, hm."

Tobi: "I'm so happy... good planning,senpai!"

Hidan: "So they still have it..." :(

Deidara: "I also uploaded the video to YouTube. It's one of the ten most watched videos of the year!"

Hidan: "You did what?!"

Deidara: "It's made my page quite popular."

Kakuzu: "I would have uploaded it, if I knew how to use a computer."

Hidan: "I don't care about orders, anymore!"

_(He attacks Kakuzu and Deidara with his sickle. All the Akatsuki together knock out Hidan.)_

Pein: "Paycheck deduction for Hidan. Make copies of this DVD for all of us, Deidara. I'll pay for the DVDs."

Deidara: "I'll do that."

_(So now they all have copies of the DVD, including Bluie.)_

_**Faculty Meeting: About Graduation**_

Pein: "Tomorrow is graduation time for the students that passed. I expect you all to do your best to keep disasters down to a minimum, since I know it is impossible for there to be none."

Itachi: "I'll be okay if nothing related to Student 01 happens."

Zetsu: "I get the students that flunked as lunch, right?"

Pein: "No. We are just going to let them leave on the condition that they do not tell the secret of the school."

Zetsu: "But you said..."

Pein: "I changed my mind."

Zetsu: "Awwwwwwww..."

Kisame: "The secret of the school?"

Tobi: "That this is a training ground for new Akatsuki recruits."

Kisame: "Oh, yeah." 

Zetsu: "..."

Sasori: "Could we have a play to um... commemorate the first graduation?"

Pein: "Absolutely not."

Sasori: "Awww."

Hidan: "..."

Kakuzu: "Man, Sasori, you are like a little kid, still playing with dolls!"

Sasori: "They're puppets, not dolls!"

Hidan: "I thought the two were the same." 

Sasori: "Grrrr..." 

Tobi: "Be good boys like Tobi for tomorrow, okay?" 

Bluie: "Be good at first and then turn out to be the evil mastermind of the Akatsuki."

Tobi: "Be quiet! They don't know that yet!"

Bluie: "..."

Pein: "Make sure all of you are present. Meeting concluded."

_**Graduation Ceremony**_

_(note: the graduation ceremony takes place in the very large gym.)_

Pein: "Congratulations to those of you who passed. Instead of a diploma, those of you who passed get an Akatsuki ring and cloak and become official members. You have all worked hard for the past four years too..."

Student 01: "Yay! I actually passed! Now I can be in the same organization as Itachi-sama forever!"

Itachi: "Forever???!!!!! Hufff... Hufff... huffff..."

Kisame: "Um... Are you okay, Itachi?"

Itachi: "... Just get her to stay away from me..."

Kisame: "Okay."

Student 02: "What is that video on the huge screen up there?" 

Pein: "How dare you interrupt my speech! I had three more hours of speaking planned..."

Bluie: "I really think you should look at this."

_(The video of Itachi's cooking class is being played on the huge screen.)_

Tobi: "This isn't right. There was so supposed to be an Akatsuki intro video up there... and what is this footage? Itachi tried to serve Kisame as soup? And then flirted with a fangirl?"

Kisame: "Gasp."

Itachi: "What? What are they playing?"

Crispy: "..."

Kisame: "Um... Wow did this really happen? Did Student 01 really try to kiss you?"

Itachi: "Gasp. That's what they are showing?! My rep is ruined!"

Kisame: "What rep?"

Itachi: "Mochi..."

Mochi: "If you will give me that Mercedes, I will go stop the video."

Itachi: "What good would that that do now? Most of it has already been shown..."

Mochi: "Well..."

_Mochi narration of video: "I'd like to share a side Itachi that many of you have not seen before." (Digitally edited pictures of Itachi in a bikini and an evening gown flash by.)_

Rest of Akatsuki: OO;

Pein: "Itachi, what is wrong with you?! And Mochi, how did you get that video up there?"

Mochi : "I switched with the Akatsuki intro video when you were not looking." 

Pein: "You've got skills..."

Kisame: "I think I may switch partners... maybe join up with Sasori..."

Itachi: "Those are not real! Those are edited! Edited!"

Kisame: "Are you sure?"

Deidara: "As an expert on computers, I know that those were digitally edited."

Kisame: "Good... Pein-sama, those are edited!"

Pein: "Oh? I thought they were real..."

Itachi: "I think I need to change my image..."

Mochi: "That was fun."

Itachi: "You... What did I ever do to you?! Why are you out to get revenge?!"

Mochi: "Because, you drove Deidara even more insane than he was by defeating him! And then dragged him off to join Akatsuki... He might have come home otherwise... I intend to have full revenge!"

Itachi: "You make it sound like he wasn't already a terrorist and a missing-nin."

Mochi: "Yeah, well, he would not have done that he had not come off his medication... Our family was short on money, and we couldn't afford his medicine anymore... it's so hard to make money being artist shinobi... So he has been off of his medicine for like twenty years now, wreaking havoc on society..."

Itachi: "...Makes sense."

Kisame: "So now we know why Deidara is so delightfully insane."

Mochi: "Well, I'll admit, another factor in taking off of his medicine was that it is soo much fun when he is off of it..."

Kisame: "But he can afford it now, right? Why is he still off of it?"

Mochi: "He enjoys being off of it..."

Kisame: "..."

Itachi: "I already have Sasuke, Sakura, Naruto and a bunch of either people out for revenge against me..."

Mochi: "Then maybe you should stop being such a jerk!"

_(She punches him in the face.)_

Pein: "Um, if we could please get back to my speech?"

_(Mochi ignores him and continues to pummel Itachi. Kisame tries to interfere but gets distracted by some tuna on the buffet table...)_

Deidara: "Mochi, what are you doing?"

Mochi: "Getting revenge!"

_(She continues to pummel him.)_

Pein: "My speech..."

Tobi: "Tobi will try to get things back to normal!"

Deidara: "I want to take my own revenge against Itachi! That's why I stay in Akatsuki!"

Mochi: "Oh... Are you ever coming home?"

Deidara: "No, hm. I guess I will just remain a missing nin... I can blow up more stuff that way."

Mochi: "Figures."

Tobi: "I order you to take your hands off of Itachi!"

Mochi: "Fine. I was going to join Akatsuki and get revenge on Itachi myself, but I guess I will let you do it. No point in becoming a missing-nin for nothing."

_(She finally stops pummeling Itachi.)_

Pein: "Sigh... Okay, forget the speech... let's just pass out the rings."

Bluie: "Deidara, where are those rings? I have the cloaks..."

Deidara: "I have about 100 of the 200 you asked for. I was not able to make enough in time."

Bluie: "Just great... what do with do about this?"

Pein: "I suggest giving the rings to the students with highest grades."

Bluie: "That's what we will do."

Pein: "We will get the remaining rings to the rest of you later. And now, the head-band- scratching ceremony!"

_(Most of the students scratch through their headbands. Mochi does not.)_

Mochi: "I don't intend to become a member of Akatsuki! Deidara, I'll let you get your own revenge!"

_(She tosses the cloak and ring at Pein, and flies away on a clay Pterodactyl.)_

Pein: "Deidara and Sasori, bring her back!"

Deidara: "That's... um... hm... why don't you send Kisame?"

Pein: "Just go get her!"

Deidara: "Fine."

Sasori: "A pterodactyl? The lack of art taste must run in the family."

Deidara: "You are the one who has no artistic taste!"

Sasori: "..."

Deidara: "Look, I don't want her joining Akatsuki. She might take my job... Let's just make a pretense of fighting her and then leave."

Sasori: "What if Pein-sama finds out?" 

Deidara: "I won't tell if you won't."

Sasori: "Fine. Although having her as a partner might be better than you..."

Deidara: "I'll pay $35 "

Sasori: "Wow! That's like a whole week of my art salary! I'll do it!"

Deidara: "That was easy."

_(They start attacking Mochi with bombs, puppets, etcetera.)_

Mochi: "You want to lose your arms, again, Deidara?"

Deidara: "How do you know about that?!" 

Sasori: "Um... I might have told her about that..."

Deidara: "I about I tell her you lost to your grandma and Sakura?!"

Sasori: "There were reasons..."

Deidara: "Like what?"

Sasori: "..."

Deidara: "See! You can't think of any!"

Sasori: "..."

_(They get beaten up by Mochi [on purpose, and Mochi returns to the Village Hidden in the Rock.)_

Deidara: "Yes! I'm free of her again!"

Sasori: "..."

_(They return to the school.)_

Pein: "You failed?"

Sasori: "Yes. Sorry."

Deidara:)

Pein: "Well, we finished distributing the rings and cloaks while you were gone. Now to assign the new Akatsuki members... Okay Student 01 is with Itachi and Kisame. Random student 05 is with Kakuzu. The rest of you, form new pairs."

Student 01: "Looks like we'll be working together from now on, Itachi-sama!"

Itachi: "Gahh! Hufff...huff..hah...hah..." FLOP

Kisame: "You, you stupid fangirl! You killed him! He had a heart attack and died!"

Student 01: "Itachi-sama, I'm so sorry! Let me do mouth to mouth!"

Itachi: "I'm fine. Really. I don't need that."

Kisame: "Oh, you're alive."

Student 01: "I'm so happy!"

_(She glomps him.)_

Itachi: "I can't take anymore..."

Kisame: "Everbody, watch out! Itachi is about to snap again!"

_(He nearly kills Student 01, who decides it's a good idea to watch from a far from now on, beats the crap out of a third of the new recruits. A third scatter, some of which form their own evil organizations and a few remain.)_

Pein: "You idiot! What did you just do?!"

Itachi: "She's gone, Crispy, gone! I'm free! Free!"

Kisame: "..."

Deidara: "I guess this means we won't have a bunch of cute new girl recruits..."

Pein: "Deidara, we are not here to pick up girls! We are here to plot world domination!"

Deidara: "Then what about Bluie?"

Bluie: "..."

Pein: "Shut up."

Deidara: "..." 

Pein: "I guess we will keep this college running..."

Tobi: "I wish I had gotten more lines in this fic..."

Sasori: "At least you get to be in most of these fics! This is the first one I have been in! Probably the last one."

_(Will Sasori stay? I don't know... Probably not...)_

Bluie: "At least Sasori has a name..." :\

Pein: "All of you shut up. This is not a place for all of you to complain. It's the end of the fanfic."

Bluie: "...I wish I had a name..."

Pein: "Let's start planning the curriculum for next year!"

Deidara: "We are doing this again?!" 

Pein: "There may not be another fanfic, but the Akatsuki college will continue- as long as Deidara does not blow it up."

Deidara: "..."

_The students that did not leave become Akatsuki underlings, a few new pairs are __also formed. The Akatsuki college- I wonder how long it will last?_

_**THE END**_


	4. Akatsuki Go to the Mall

**Tales of the house of the red moon Part 4 - Akatsuki go to the mall**

Konan: It's time for a trip to the mall.

Itachi: Sigh...

Pein: Just make sure you are back in time to seal the-

Konan: The rest of you are coming with me to carry my purchases.

Pein: But, I don't want to-

Kakuzu: How much are you planning on spending, woman? We are not made of money!

Konan: I don't want my shopping micromanaged. You and Hidan are staying home.

Kakuzu: But, the money-

Konan: Shut up.

Kakuzu: ...But...

Kisame: Give it up Kakuzu, you can't win.

Kakuzu: I'll just go read.

Deidara: You read?! You really are old.

Pein: All of us read except for you, Deidara.

Itachi: You don't even read art manuals. Idiot.

Deidara: I'll remember that.

Kakuzu: Snicker Yeah, Sasori read lots of art manuals and even actual novels.

_(Deidara glares at Kakuzu. Kakuzu leaves.)_

Pein: I think we should leave Zetsu here...

Zetsu: Why?

Pein: You are a man-eating plant that may be part human. You stand out to much.

Zetsu: Awww... I never get to go places...

Tobi: I get to get go everywhere, because I'm a good boy!

Itachi: ... How much stuff you intend to buy? Isn't taking one of us with you enough?

Konan: There is a sale at the mall. I intend to spend every spare penny Akatsuki has-

_(Kakuzu comes running into the room after hearing this.)_

Kakuzu: I won't allow it! We can't afford-

Deidara: Kakuzu, would you shut up?

Kakuzu: But...ARGGHghhh!

_(The rest of the Akatsuki are shocked to see one of Kakuzu's heart expelled, non-beating, from his body.)_

Kisame: Kakuzu must have had a heart attack over the money.

Hidan: If only that were his only heart...

Pein: At least show some concern for your teammate.

Hidan: ...Um... Wait. I don't know how...

Pein: Sigh.

_(Kakuzu gets up from the floor, panting.)_

Itachi: Are you done now?

Hidan: Yeah, that took forever.

Kakuzu: ...Pant... Pant... Hidan, if I could kill you I would!

Pein: You can't kill Hidan. He's useful to Akatsuki for suicide missions.

Kakuzu: Sigh...

_(Don't worry, Kakuzu is okay now.)_

Hidan: You've been sending me on suicide missions?!

Pein: Well, since you can't die...

Hidan: Man, that's mistreatment of immortals! I should sue!

Pein: I had you sign this little disclaimer when you joined Akatsuki which states that you can't sue.

Hidan: And you actually think I'm going to keep-

_(Pein gives him such a glare that it even slightly alarms Itachi.)_

Hidan: Right... Fine. I won't sue.

Pein: Good.

Deidara: Leader-sama, could we get a new plasma TV to replace the one Sasori destroyed?

_(note: see "Tales of the House of the Red Moon Part 01-Return of the Weasel" for info on this.)_

Pein: As I recall, it wasn't only Sasori...

Deidara: Un... Well could we get a new one?

Pein: No. The ordinary TVs are enough. We have plenty of those. Besides, a new plasma TV would probably get destroyed as well.

_(Itachi takes this moment to glare at Deidara.)_

Tobi: But Tobi wants a plasma TV!

Pein: If most of you want one, I guess we can get one.

Kakuzu: So much money...

Pein: Hidan, drag Kakuzu to his room so he won't bother us anymore.

_(Hidan drags the protesting Kakuzu to his room, and goes beyond orders by locking him in the closet. Hidan then starts watching some overly gory action show.)_

Hidan: Sweet freedom...

Itachi: This so annoying.

Deidara: At least we are getting a new plasma TV, un.

_(Itachi smiles inwardly, remembering how much fun the last one was.)_

Kisame: Shark Week in HD!

Deidara: I wonder if we will be able to watch anything on it, besides sharks.

Itachi: I can always use the shark meat tsukiyomi again.

Deidara: Huh?

Itachi: 72 hours of Kisame being forced to eat shark meat.

Deidara: Man. I knew you were evil... but this...

Itachi: Bwahaaahhaa!

_(Kisame collapses on the floor, shaking in horror.)_

Konan: Grab Kisame and we will go.

_(Itachi and Deidara drag Kisame to the new stretch Mercedes and dump him in it._

_Pein, Konan,Tobi, Deidara, Kisame and Itachi drive to the mall with Pein at the wheel.)_

_**At the mall **(Bet you didn't know the Naruto world had malls, huh?)_

Konan: I'm going shopping. Pein, Tobi, Kisame- all of you come with me. Deidara and Itachi, go and get that plasma TV.

Itachi: If you don't mind me asking, why have you started giving orders in Leader-sama's place?

Konan: Because when we are shopping, I'm in charge of the Akatsuki! If you don't like it, I can have you disposed of.

Itachi: ...

Pein: I must have forgotten to mention that Konan has multiple personality disorder.

Kisame: Sure, tell us now.

Itachi: I'll go get that TV.

_(Itachi and Deidara leave for an electronics store.)_

Konan: Which store I should hit first? I think I will go to every store in the mall! BWAHAHAHA!

Tobi: Tobi is scared.

Kisame: ...

Pein: Oh for the love of- Some of those stores you never go in! Do you have to-

Konan: Kage bunshin!

_(She makes about nineteen kage bunshin of herself.)_

Pein: What-

Kisame: ...

Konan: With this I can be in twenty stores at once!

_(Her clones all run off into separate directions.)_

Kisame: Which one do we go with?

Pein: Let's just go with the real one. The kage bunshin will carry anything she bought to the real one.

_(They find the real one and follow her to a Godiva chocolate store.)_

Kisame: Oh no.

Konan: Chocolate!

Pein: ...

Tobi: Get some chocolate for Tobi, too!

Konan: I'm only buying it for me.

Tobi: Awww... I'll get some myself then.

_(Konan drags out two huge bags of very expensive Godiva chocolate. Tobi buys one tiny bar of it.)_

Konan: Here.

_(She hands both huge bags to Kisame.)_

Kisame: ...

Konan: Guard it with your life! Your very life! If you eat it, I'll kill you! And don't let anyone else eat it, either!

Kisame: ...

Pein: I think you may be overdoing it...

_(At this point, her nineteen kage bunshin come back at once, carrying tons of bags of books, clothes, food, candles and many other things. They dump twenty bags on Kisame and ten on Pein and then disappear.)_

Pein: I'm the leader. Why do I have to carry this stuff?

Kisame: Because she's your girlfriend or whatever!

Pein: I think I will give these to Deidara when he comes back.

Kisame: Why not just let Tobi carry them?

Tobi: Tobi is a good boy!

Pein: ...Don't question my orders!

Kisame: Sorry.

Deidara: Run away!

Konan: Huh?

_(Deidara runs by them, with hordes of mall security running after him.)_

Pein: Deidara, what in the world did you do?!

Deidara: There was this fancy sharp panel TV... and I wanted to see if my clay bird would be able to fit on it...

Pein: And?

Deidara: I sneezed and accidentally said 'Katsu...'

Pein: You idiot!

Deidara: Itachi is carrying the plasma TV out to the car. Would you believe he just walked by while I was being chased and took it out to the car?

Konan: This is a guy that destroyed his entire clan... Somehow him abandoning you does not surprise me.

_(Deidara gets grabbed by mall security and dragged over to Pein and Konan.)_

Mall security: Is this man with you? We think he is a terrorist.

Konan: No. We don't know him.

Deidara: But you were just...

Konan: I won't have my shopping interrupted.

Pein: Tough it out, unknown stranger!

Tobi: Senpai...

Mall security: What?

Tobi: Nothing.

_(Deidara escapes by jabbing one of the guards in the gut, and then using clay bunshin to distract them and escape. They follow the clay bunshin and Deidara makes to the car.)_

Tobi: Good. He escaped.

Konan: Let's get back to shopping.

Pein: I thought you were done?!

Konan: I still have twenty or more stores to hit!

Pein: Groan...

_**At the car:**_

Deidara: (thinking) _I want to kill Itachi even more now._

Itachi: Why are you looking at me like that?

Deidara: Let's get this TV in the car, hm.

Itachi: I already did that. I am going back inside.

Deidara: I'll just wait in the car...

_**Back at the mall:**_

Itachi: I'm back.

Tobi: Who cares?

Itachi: What?

Tobi: I mean, I'm a good boy!

Itachi: ...Hm...

Konan: More stuff!

_(She gives more bags to Pein.)_

Pein: Itachi, I was going to give these to Deidara, but you will do.

_(He dumps the bags he was holding on Itachi, and runs off.)_

Konan: Where are you going?!

Pein: To the computer store.

Konan: Oh. Okay. Let's shop some more!

Itachi: Why, oh why did I leave Konoha...

Kisame: Um... Your clan?

Itachi: Oh. Yes...

_**At the computer store:**_

Pein: This is boring. I'm going to the bookstore.

_**Later, at the bookstore:**_

Pein: These titles look worth buying...

Book 1: How to conquer the Rain Village in Thirty Days by Uzamaki Kushina.

Book 2: How to Fight the Sharingan by Might Gai. (For those days when Pein gets angry with Itachi.)

Book 3: World Conquest and You by Uchiha Madara.

Book 4: Sannin Weaknesses (Except me, of course) by Orochimaru

Book 5: Akatsuki: A diary by Orochimaru

Pein: That traitor Orochimaru. I'm glad Sasuke did away with him. He betrayed the Sannin and then he betrayed us.

Pein: I'll be buying these books.

Clerk: Okay...

_(He actually pays for them, and then returns to the group.)_

Clerk: Who was that? Maybe I should call the anbu... Nah.

Konan: I'm done.

Tobi: Whew.

Kisame: Finally. My arms are hurting. And I can't believe you hung bags on Samehada...

Itachi: Are we getting paid extra for this?

Pein: Why don't you go look around for a while. I'm not paying you extra.

_( Tobi dumps all of this bags onto Kisame and runs off.) _

Konan: Is that a good idea?

Pein: No.

Konan?

Pein: I just want him out of my hair.

Kisame: Can't hold all of these bags... Need a break...

Konan: Don't you dare drop those.

Kisame: That's it. I've had enough. I'm joining the 'society for the prevention of cruelty to sharks.'

Konan: Such a group exists?

Kisame: Yeah. My parents are the founders.

Konan: ...You do that.

Kisame: ...

Pein: Won't you be going as well, Itachi?

Itachi: Stupid things like the mall don't really interest me.

Konan: So the mall is stupid, is it?!

Pein: I think Konan just reached her patience limit.

Konan: Die, Itachi!

_(She starts throwing kunai and origami paper weapons at him. He escapes out to the car, wounded by a kunai.)_

Konan: Humph. No one insults the mall in front of me.

Pein: ...

Tobi: I'm back. I'm a good boy! I bought this clay sculpture for senpai!

Konan: Tobi, that's...

Tobi: Huh?

Pein: Nothing. Let's just leave.

Kisame: Yeah. Somebody finally hurt Itachi!

_(Pein glares at him.)_

Kisame: Yeah, that's very unfortunate...

_**Back in the car**_

Tobi: Senpai, I got you a clay sculpture!

Deidara: I can make my own clay sculptures, you idiot!

_(Deidara looks closer and realizes that it is a clay sculpture of Itachi. The sculpture is a limited edition pvc of Itachi standing on defeated shinobi, with Sharingan in high detail. _

_Title of the sculpture: The Power of the Sharingan.)_

Deidara: You idiot, hm! I don't want a sculpture like that!

Tobi: But...

Deidara: I said I don't want it!

Tobi: _(in a scared voice) _Senpai... Itachi-san is glaring at you...

Deidara: What's your problem, hm? If you want it you can have it!

Itachi: Why don't you want it?

Deidara: Because your face is ugly.

Konan: You idiot! That's the worst possible thing you could have said!

_(Itachi becomes furious and attempts to use the Tsukiyomi on Deidara, _

_but Deidara kicks him in face and hits him with the sculpture, halting the Tsukiyomi. The sculpture survives. )_

Itachi: My face- my beautiful face! How dare you...

Konan: You know, some of us would like some peace and quiet once in a while.

Itachi: You will have peace and quiet once I kill Deidara.

Tobi: Don't kill senpai! He may be angry a lot, but it's my fault for buying the sculpture!

Deidara: Tobi, you jerk!

_(He kicks Tobi, who body slams Itachi as he falls.)_

Itachi: That does it! Tsukiyomi!

_(He unleashes Tsukiyomi on both Tobi and Deidara, but Tobi stops it by using his own Sharingan and then releases Deidara from the Tsukiyomi as well- but it was too late. Deidara already experienced the full 72 hours. )_

Deidara: You sick- I didn't know even you were that evil! You did _**not**_ just make me listen 72 hours of the 4kids One Piece dub opening song!

_(Yes, Itachi is just that evil.)_

Tobi: Senpai, I'm so sorry!

Deidara: I'll remember this, Itachi! This means war!

Itachi: Tobi, you were able to escape being pulled into Tsukiyomi. Who are yo-

Tobi: Look, an airplane!

Itachi: As I was saying-

Tobi: That cloud looks like senpai!

Itachi: Who are you?! Are you an Uchiha too?! I didn't think I missed one besides Sasuke...

Tobi: This Godiva chocolate is good.

Itachi: Tobi!!!!!!! ANSWER ME!

Tobi: ...

Konan: Give it up, he's not going to answer.

Itachi: But-

Kisame: Probably doesn't want to wind up like the rest of the clan.

Deidara: Doesn't it bother you not knowing what's beneath the mask?

Tobi: Senpai, I just saved you...

Pein: I'm trying to drive! All of you shut up, or I'll kill all the surviving Uchiha members in the car!

Tobi: Gulp. Sorry.

Itachi: ...

Pein: And Tobi, don't get melted chocolate in the car. I just had it cleaned.

Tobi: Yes sir.

_**Back at the Akatsuki base or wherever...**_

Konan: Alright Kisame- you and Tobi take my bags to my room.

_(Kisame does just that, and all of Konan's purchases besides half of the chocolate is safe inside her room. Tobi gets distracted by a butterfly in the house and leaves a bag of Godiva chocolate on the kitchen table. He then wonders off.)_

Konan: I'm going to my room.

_(She fails to notice the bag on the table.)_

Hidan: You are finally back. I want to see that new TV.

Pein: Is Kakuzu still in the closet? You can untie him now.

Hidan: ...

Pein: Itachi, go get Kakuzu out of the closet.

Itachi: I'm installing the new TV right now.

Pein: Well when you are done, go get him out. I will be in my office.

Itachi: ...

_(Itachi and Kisame finish putting the TV together, and have it connected. Kisame immediately starts watching shark week, with the other Akatsuki fighting for the remote.)_

Kisame: I like this.

Deidara: This even better than the old one.

Itachi: Let's watch something besides shark week!

_(He grabs the remote from Kisame and starts watching 24.)_

Deidara: This is my favorite show! There are lots of explosions.

Hidan: This is my favorite show too.

Kisame: I guess I will put up with it... I would rather watch shark week, though.

Tobi: It scares Tobi.

Zetsu: Good to actually be able to watch it for more than five minutes this time.

Deidara: ...

Hidan: Somebody go get us some popcorn or something.

Itachi: Deidara, you do it.

Deidara: But I like this show the best of all of us!

Itachi: _I'm letting you watch something you like._

Deidara: Is that a threat to change the channel?! Give me that remote!

_(He lunges at the remote but misses.)_

Pein: What is all of this noise about?! I'm demand silence!

Deidara: Itachi was-

Itachi: Deidara refuses to get us popcorn.

Pein: If it will make all of you shut up- Deidara, go get it.

Deidara: But we are out of popcorn!

Pein: Then find something else! And don't disturb me again!

_(He slams the door and leaves.)_

Deidara: What else you want?

Kisame: Sardines.

Tobi: People actually eat those?

Itachi: Just for the record, we are not 100 sure Kisame is human.

Tobi: Oh.

Deidara: I'll just find something we will all like.

_(He leaves.)_

Hidan: I wanted popcorn! Who ate it all?

Tobi: Uhhhh... Hey, isn't that exploding building cool?

Itachi: I think we all know who did it.

_**In the kitchen**_

Deidara: That Itachi! So annoying, hm. What's this? Konan left a bag of her chocolate here... She has so much, she won't miss it.

_(He takes the chocolate.)_

_**Back at the TV**_

Deidara: I brought us chocolate.

Itachi: ...This is good.

Hidan: Great give it here.

_(He passes out chocolate to everyone.)_

Kisame: For not being fish, this is pretty good.

Tobi: Isn't this Konan's? Where did you get-

Deidara: She has plenty.

Tobi: Okay.

Deidara: This is some of the best chocolate-

Konan: What all of you think you are doing?!

Deidara: You have plenty of chocolate!

Konan: The stuff all of you are eating was all they had left of that flavor!

_(Label on chocolate Bar: Limited edition Godiva anniversary milk chocolate coated dark chocolate cream filled bar.) (Yes, it probably doesn't exist.)_

Deidara: Um, oops. Can't you just buy more when they get more in?

Konan: What part of limited edition don't you understand?!

Deidara: ...Um, are you angry?

Konan: Of course I'm angry! There had better be some left!

Itachi: I ate all of mine. It was surprisingly good.

Hidan: I have to say, it wasn't all that bad.

Tobi: Sorry, Konan-san, I ate all of mine.

Deidara: I ate all of mine too... That means there is none left...

Konan: You- I hope you have written your will, Deidara!

Deidara: Now wait just a minute... Tobi was the one who left your chocolate out... and the others helped me eat it...

Konan: I won't have any excuses!

_(She starts attacking Deidara with very sharp origami. Tobi flees the room, while Zetsu closes up his plant and pretends to be a house plant. Itachi Kisame and Hidan keep on watching the TV.)_

Deidara: I guess I have to fight back, un!

_(He throws a bunch of bombs, all of which Konan skillfully dodges. Deidara then gets cut multiple times by the origami weapons.)_

Pein: What is all of the racket this time?!

_(He walks in to see the scene of Deidara on the floor, with Konan standing over him with a kunai knife and severe property damages from Deidara's bombs and Konan's paper weapons [broken Ming vase, etc. and everyone else just sitting around, about to let Deidara get killed.)_

Pein: What's going on?

Konan: They ate my chocolate! The special edition chocolate!

Pein: And you're to kill Deidara over that?!

Konan: Do you think I was overdoing it?

Pein: ...

Deidara: I don't know... That chocolate was good...

Konan: It was, wasn't it?!

_(She launches a fresh wave of attacks.)_

Pein: I order you to stop that!

Konan: But it was the last...

Pein: Kakuzu probably knows where to get more. Where is Kakuzu?

Itachi: Oops.

Pein: Something you would like to say, Itachi?

Itachi: I never got him out of the closet.

Pein: What?! You mean Kakuzu has been locked in a closet for over five hours?!

Konan: That had to be boring.

_(During this time, Deidara sneaks back to his room.)_

Tobi: Senpai is going to be okay!

Konan: Oh no! He got away!

Itachi: You are weak. Why are you weak-

Pein: Itachi, for once would you just be quiet?!

Itachi: ...

Pein: Hidan, I order you to go get Kakuzu out and bring him here.

Hidan: I guess I have to.

_(He leaves.)_

_**At the closet**_

Hidan: Hello, Kakuzu? Are you still alive? If you are dead, I am taking your money.

Kakuzu: Mphhhh...

Hidan: Oh. I forgot that I tied him up and gagged him.

_(Hidan lets Kakuzu out of the closet.)_

Kakuzu: You- you- I had nothing to do for five hours! I could have at least been counting money!

Hidan: Leader-sama wants you.

Kakuzu: I'll remember this.

_( He leaves.)_

_**Back at the scene of the crime**_

Kakuzu: What did you want me for, Leader-sama?

_(Kakuzu looks around and sees all the property damage.)_

Kakuzu: What is all of this?! Do you people have any idea how much money these repairs will cost?!

Pein: I know, Kakuzu. Now shut up. Do you know where to get any more of this chocolate?

_(He shows Kakuzu the wrapper.)_

Kakuzu: How would I know? I don't like chocolate.

_(Konan gives him a death glare.)_

Kakuzu: Uh... Since they are sold out at all the stores... I suppose I could find some on the black market...

Kisame: They sell chocolate on the black market?

Kakuzu: They sell tons of things on the black market. Even Akatsuki hentai.

Pein: They sell WHAT?!

Kakuzu: That's common knowledge...

Zetsu: The authors are even more weird than me.

Tobi: But Tobi is a good boy! Why would anyone?

Itachi: Those people are even more evil than me.

Pein: Well, go get us that chocolate. And find out the names of those authors.

Deidara: We are finally going to go after them?!

Konan: You dare to show your face in here again! What if we can't find any chocolate!

Pein: Deidara, I order you to go with Kakuzu to get Konan chocolate.

Deidara: What if we can't find any?

Pein: You won't have to worry about me. I don't really care. It's Konan you have to worry about.

Konan: You had better bring me some!

Deidara: Or what? You will come after me your origami? It's not my idea of art.

Konan: Origami is more art than bombs and puppets!

_(Deidara is chased out of the house by paper cranes. Kakuzu follows, intent on getting the chocolate.)_

Pein: I hope they succeed. I would like peace and quiet around here, but there never is any.

Konan: ...

_**At the black market in the Grass village**_

Deidara: Why did we go to the grass village?

Kakuzu: They have more variety. The prices are also a lot cheaper than in the rain village. Leader-sama drove all the prices up...

Deidara: Look at all this Akatsuki hentai... :( Huh?! '_A Guide to Akatsuki Hentai by Kakuzu_?!' Kakuzu, what is this?!

Kakuzu: I was low on money and needed cash. Since Leader-sama is already angry about Akatsuki hentai, I expect you to keep your mouth shut. Or I'll write a DeiAnko doujinshi.

Deidara: Leader-sama probably would kill you if he found out about this, hm. Even though it's just a guide, and not an actual doujinshi, hm.

Kakuzu: I 'll pay $2.00 to keep your mouth shut.

Deidara: Only $2? I make plenty of money from my art. I refuse to accept such a measly amount of-

Kakuzu: 'Deidara x Anko Love Story by Kakuzu.'

Deidara: Arghh! Okay, fine! I'll keep my mouth shut!

Kakuzu: Good.

Deidara: Wait, have you actually written any Akatsuki doujinshi?!

Kakuzu: I'd rather not say.

Deidara: Traitor.

Kakuzu: Look! They have a Akatsuki Saiunkoku crossover! And a life size Tsunade-beating-up-Orochimaru figure!

Deidara: Sigh...

Kakuzu: Look! 'Legendary White snake remains for sale by Sasuke!' The things you can find here... Must be Orochimaru.

Deidara: That's technically his body right there...

Kakuzu: But we didn't come here to shop. We need to get the chocolate and go.

Deidara: you are the one who was shopping. They have all sorts of weird stuff here.

Deidara: Ah! Here's some chocolate! It's the kind Konan wanted.

Kakuzu: $30 for a box?! Let's get this kind of chocolate, it's cheaper.

_(He points to a really cheap off brand chocolate bar.)_

Deidara: But Konan asked us to get _**this**_...

Kakuzu: It's too expensive. We are going.

Deidara: If we get in trouble, it's all your fault.

Kakuzu: Let's leave.

_**Back at the Rain village Akatsuki hideout**_

Konan: I hope you got my Godiva limited edition chocolate.

Deidara: We found it and we where going to- but Kakuzu said it was to expensive and he got you some cheap chocolate-

_(Kakuzu punches him.)_

Deidara: What was that for?!

Kakuzu: ...

Konan: You did what, Kakuzu?! Die!

_(She attacks with a paper harpoon.)_

Kakuzu: Gahhh!

_(He gets hit by the harpoon.)_

Hidan: What is up with all of the noise?

_(One of Kakuzu's heart creatures, which was hit by the harpoon, crawls out and dies.)_

Hidan: Konan! You took out one of Kakuzu's hearts! Awesome.

Deidara: ... ell, it looks like she's not angry with me, this time.

Konan: I might as well take all of them out!

Pein: Konan, what are you doing?! Don't kill Kakuzu! He's useful to us.

Konan: Fine. I'll just go get the chocolate myself.

_(She leaves.)_

Deidara: I'll be in my room.

Kakuzu: Deidara, you traitor! I'll remember this!

Deidara: Whatever, hm.

Kakuzu: Why you little whippersnapper! I am ten times older than even Leader-sama! How dare you disrespect.-

Pein: Kakuzu, shut up.

Kakuzu: I'll just go to my room, then.

_(He leaves.)_

Pein: ...

Deidara: What?

Pein: Nothing. I just wonder if sending Konan herself was such a good idea.

Deidara: I don't think she will spend all of Akatsuki's money...

Pein: Knowing her she will make more than one stop...

Deidara: I will be at the TV, watching '24' with Itachi.

Pein: It's still on?

Deidara: It's a marathon, hm.

_(He leaves.)_

Pein: ... I think I will go watch it as well.

_(He leaves.)_

_**At the Grass village black-market**_

Konan: I would like some of the limited edition Godiva chocolate.

Clerk: Here you go.

Konan: I finally got it! _(She eats a bite of it.)_

Konan: It's delicious! I'm going to take these two bags of it home and hide it- but I'm going to shop more first.

_(She looks around at the various things.)_

Konan: Eeeeek! What is this stuff?!

_(On books: Kakuzu's guide to Akatsuki Hentai, PeinKon love by Kakuzu, ItachiX Sakura: A love story,____Hidan &____Tsunade, a love hate thing by Kakuzu, KonanXZetsu, a grass love story, and the dreaded SasoDei Files by Kakuzu, as well as a bunch of other Akatsuki doujinshi.)_

Konan: Clerk, I 'll buy this Akatsuki Hentai Guide, as well as this Pein x Konan doujinshi.

Clerk: I don't know why an Akatsuki would want a guide to Akatsuki Hentai, but here you go.

Konan: Thanks.

_**Back at the Akatsuki base**_

Konan: This doujishi is great! I have to get Kakuzu to write another one! I have an idea! I'll force him to write another one!

_(She takes it to her room and hides it.)_

Pein: This show is interesting-

Konan: Kakuzu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_(Screamed as loud as possible.)_

Pein: Oh, goodness. You got your chocolate, right? What is it this time?

Kakuzu: What do you want?

Konan: Kakuzu, you-

Deidara: Don't interrupt my favorite show! Jack Bauer is about to blow something up!

Kisame: I like Shark Week better.

Itachi: Shut up and be happy with it.

Pein: I don't understand! Why do the good guys always win in shows like these?!

Itachi: You want a show where the bad guys win, rent Stars Wars episode 3.

Tobi: Yay! My favorite movie!

_(The rest of the Akatsuki stare at him.)_

Kisame: Are you really a good boy, Tobi?

Zetsu: Tobi is a good boy!

Tobi: ...

Konan: Will all of you shut up a listen to me?! I discovered something very important!

_(The rest of the Akatsuki ignore her, continuing to watch TV.)_

Konan: Pein! Are you listening to me?!

Pein: Shut up. I'm watching TV.

Konan: Look at this!

_(She holds up Kakuzu's book, but the rest of the Akatsuki ignore her, including __Kakuzu, who is busy sewing new cloaks.)_

Konan: Zetsu, please pay attention! You are not watching TV!

Zetsu: I'm busy watering the plants. Don't bother me.

Konan: I guess I don't have a choice... Would have been nice to watch something I wanted in HD.

Konan: Hidan, may I borrow your sickle?

Hidan: If it will make you shut up so I can watch this.

_(He gives her the sickle.)_

Konan: I'm borrowing some of Deidara's clay, Sasori's leftover puppet parts, Samehada, my harpoon, jet boosters, a cannon and some steel cable. I'll be back.

_(She goes back to her room and creates the HD TV Destroyer.)_

Konan: I'm back! Say hello to my little contraption, the 'HD TV Destroyer Mach 5!'

_(She launches the thing while saying Katsu at the proper time and using the seal to make Deidara's clay explode, hitting the TV at the same time as the harpoon, Samehada, and Sasori's flamethrower and knifes. The HD TV is not only destroyed, but the entire wall behind is destroyed and falls down, exposing Hidan's bedroom. Flames burst from the TV, which ignite the spare oil stored in the storage closet next to Hidan's room, which cause the floor above Hidan's room, Kisame's room and Hidan's room to be completely destroyed. The rest of the Akatsuki gasp in horror at the destruction.)_

Hidan: Holy &#! What a terrifying woman!

_(He grabs what's left of his sickle, the handle of it having been melted off.)_

Kisame: Samehada! At least you are okay! I wish I could say that about my room!

Itachi: ...This is why Orochimaru left the Akatsuki.

Kakuzu: Are you actually a real female???!!! Are you sure you are not a man?!

Deidara: I don't recall teaching you those hand signs...

Pein:...What in the world was that for?! Have to completely lost your mind?! That was the second HD TV! **EXPLAIN!**

Konan: If you had paid attention, I would not have had too do that!

Pein: If you were just trying to destroy the TV, why in the world did you destroy half the house?!

Konan: Oops. I guess I underestimated the fire power...

Kisame: Itachi never let me watch shark week... Stupid Uchihas...

Itachi: You are weak-

Pein: Itachi, every time you say that catchphrase from now on, I'm going to let some other Akatsuki beat the crap out of you.

Kisame; Ooh! Me, Pein-sama, me!

_(Itachi glares at him.)_

Itachi: But... It's my catch phrase...

Pein: Find something less annoying.

Itachi: How about 'believe it?'

Pein: You know what, your catch phrase isn't so bad after all. I will still live up to my promise, though!

Hidan: Konan, What is it that is so important?!

Pein: Yes, I would like to know.

Konan: It's about this!

_(She holds up the Akatsuki Hentai guide by Kakuzu, as well as several Akatsuki Doujinshi by him.)_

Kakuzu: Uh oh! Where did you get-

Tobi: Gasp! DeiTobi?! Kakuzu, how could you! Tobi is a good boy!

_(He starts crying.)_

Zetsu: Kakuzu, I should eat you on the spot! You made Tobi cry!

Deidara: I didn't see that DeiTobi one! Kakuzu, you will die!

Kisame: Kisame x Itachi?! T hat's impossible! What in the world is wrong with you?! I'm the only Akatsuki that can wear this nail polish and still look masculine!

Kakuzu: Umm... I can explain...

Pein: Oh, then please do explain. You have five minutes before I kill you.

Kakuzu: Now wait a minute! I only did one of you!

Itachi: PeinTobi Doujinshi?

Pein: Kakuzu, I will kill you!

Kakuzu: Now wait just a minute-

Hidan: You did a doujinshi of yourself x Tsunade?! You sicko! Even I'm not that sick!

Kakuzu: But Hidan, why are siding with them? You usually read-

Pein: What?! You knew about this, Hidan?! I think I'll just kill both of you!

Itachi: Please, allow me to help.

Kakuzu: Okay! I was low on money and needed cash! But I'm sorry!

Pein: Sorry isn't good enough!

Konan: _(whispering to Kakuzu) _I'll try and save you if you'll write a Pein x Konan hentai doujinshi.

Kakuzu: Fine! Come up with a plan then!

Konan: Now wait just a minute. Killing them might be overdoing it. They would hardly be worth the effort, right? How about forcing them to read Hidan x Kakuzu doujinshi for 1 week?

Hidan: Oh, the cruelty of being immortal

Kakuzu: That's so cruel! Just go ahead and kill us, Lleader-sama! Anything but having to read those disgusting-

Pein: I like it. I think I'll do that!

Itachi: Konan, I think you may be more evil than me.

Konan: Thanks.

Deidara: He can dish it out but can't take it, hm!

Kakuzu: Oh, cruel world, why?!

Kisame: I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

Tobi: A tad cruel, don't you think?

Pein: Okay, how about just 3 days.

Zetsu: Still a bit cruel. How about I just eat them?

Pein: No.

Zetsu: Awwww... I bet they would be tasty...

_**Three days later**_

Konan: After three days of being force to read doujinshi by Pein, how are Hidan and Kakuzu doing?

Deidara: Please don't narrate, it's creepy.

Konan: Sorry.

Kakuzu: I'm going to take out all of my hearts and end it all!

Hidan: There must be a way for an immortal to die!

Konan: Well, technically, if Zetsu ate you...

Pein: Don't go giving them ideas. We can still exploit there abilities for a while longer and have them eliminated when they are no longer useful.

Kisame: Ruthless... I better watch my back...

Pein: ...

_(Later, after everyone besides Konan has left Hidan and Kakuzu's rebuilt room...)_

Kakuzu: What is even worse is that they took the repair bill for this room, the storage closet and Kisame's room out of my paycheck- for the next year!

Konan: Wouldn't have happened if you hadn't done what you did. Now about that Pein x Konan doujinshi-

Kakuzu: I started writing it, but couldn't finish it, because I hate you now!

Konan: But our deal-

Hidan: Shut up about whatever deal you two made! I would have rather died than read that trash!

Konan: I'll pay you to finish it.

Kakuzu:$$$$$$$$$$$$$$?

Konan: Yes, money.

Kakuzu: I'll finish it right away!

_**Later...**_

Kakuzu: There it is done!

Konan: Okay, thanks! Here is a $3.00.

Kakuzu: But...

Konan: Shut up. You aren't getting any more.

_**Later...**_

Konan: Pein x Konan doujinshi! I'm so happy. I read and it was so good! This chocolate is also good!

...All's well that ends well! ...Or is it?

Pein: I'll burn that that thing if it's the last thing I do!

_**The END**_

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Please visit http://SuperWombat. 


	5. Akatsuki Theme Song Collection

Tales of The house of the Red moon Part 05 Special: CD Woes

(What would happen if the Akatsuki decided to do a cd.)

Pein: We are running low on money. So I have decided for us to make a music cd. Kakuzu has estimated that the profits should be quite high.

Itachi: I refuse. I do have some pride, you know.

Pein: Sasuke said you are weak because your singing is horrible.

Itachi: ...What?! That little... I'll show him I can sing better than he can...

Konan: That was a lie, right?

Pein: Why would I lie?

Konan: ...

Kisame: After this cd, I'll be more popular, right?

Tobi: Tobi will do a great song!

Deidara: Yes! Music is another type of art, un. I'll show them my music style, un.

Zetsu: Do I get a duet with my other half?

Pein: Um... Maybe...

Zetsu: ...I hope so.

Hidan: I object! I don't want to do anything that would remotely have the possibility of making Kakuzu happy.

Pein: I can give Kakuzu an extra song, while you have nothing.

Hidan: Grrrr... Fine. I'll do it.

Sasori: Do I get a song?

Pein: Uh... I thought you died...

Sasori: I come back whenever the SuperWombat feels like it.

Pein: ...Fine. You and Deidara can have a duet.

Deidara: Noooooooooo! What it I ever do to deserve this?!

Zetsu: I can actually think of a lot of things...

Deidara: Shut up, you stupid plant! Leader-sama, at least give us each our own songs!

Kakuzu: My calculations show that we would make more money that way.

Pein: Fine.

Konan: I get my own song, right?

Pein: Why would you? You get less screen time than TenTen.

Hidan: Konan, that's pathetic! Even I get more screen time than TenTen!

Konan: Arggh! I deserve a song for having to put up with all of you!

Pein: But...

Konan: If I don't get a song, I'll tell everyone online about your "collection!"

Itachi: Collection? Of what?

Pein: Arggghh! No! Just shut up!

Konan: The Sailor Mo-

Pein: Fine! Fine! I'll give you a song! Just keep your mouth shut!

Deidara: What does he have a collection of, again?

Pein: Deidara, shut up or I'll kill you.

Kisame: I bet it's something like Itachi's Hello Kitty Plush collection.

Itachi: I thought I told you to keep quiet about that.

Kisame: I couldn't resist.

Itachi: I think it's Tsukiyomi time, again.

Pein: All of you shut up. Let's start recording.

Deidara: Can I ask where we got this recording equipment?

Pein: No.

Kisame: I bet that means it was of questionable origins...

Deidara: ...Stolen, huh?

Pein: ...

Deidara: I wonder what I should sing, un?

Itachi: I sing first.

Pein: No as the leader, I will get the first song.

Itachi: ...

(Pein starts singing ," _Hoshikuzu no Senshitach_i " [Treize Kushrenada's song 'Gundam Wing,' only he sounds awful- worse than fingernails on a chalk board.

Konan: My ears!

Itachi: Kisame, I think I just lost part of my hearing as well.

Deidara: Make it stop, un!

Konan: Pein, would you please stop?

Kakuzu: Maybe I should stop recording. The cd would sell better without this song...

Hidan:#$&?? My ears!

Konan: Please stop it!

Zetsu: My plant is wilting.

(Pein refuses to stop, and the rest of the Akatsuki suffer through his singing until the song ends.)

Konan: It's finally over!

Deidara: Hey, I have an idea, un! We can use Pein-sama's singing as a method of torture! It might even be better than Tsukiyomi!

(Itachi gets offended at his jutsu being insulted, and Pein becomes angry over Deidara's insult to his singing. They both beat the crap out of him.)

Tobi: Senpai!

Sasori: Should have kept your mouth shut...

Deidara: Was it really necessary to have my hand teeth bite my hand tongues?

Pein: No, not really.

Deidara: ...

Kakuzu: Pein-sama, do you have to have your song on the cd?

Pein: Yes.

Kakuzu: ...Sigh.

Itachi: I guess it's my turn next.

(Itachi starts singing "_Raikujustu,"_ Naraku's character song.)

Konan: Wow! Itachi sings really well!

Pein: ... (Getting jealous.)

Deidara: His singing is overrated, hm.

(Deidara has gotten up despite his wounds.)

Zetsu: He sounds a whole lot better than Pein-sama.

Sasori: I have to admit, he does sound good.

Pein:Grrrrrrrr...

Kakuzu: Maybe he should make a single.

Pein: Enough!

( He lunges at Itachi with a kunai knife, hacking off Itachi's ponytail. Itachi attempts to defend himself with his kunai,while still trying to sing. Meanwhile, Kakuzu is still recording. Itachi manages to finish the song, and then flees.)

Pein: Maybe I should go after him...

(Pein looks around to see most of underlings glaring at him.)

Pein: What?

Kakuzu: You ruined his money-making song with all the background fighting.

Konan: I just hope you don't do that for everyone else.

Deidara: That little weasel had it coming!

Kisame: Itachi-sama...

Tobi: I can't say I care.

Kakuzu: We might re-record this later, or see if this one sells. Sigh...

Kisame: I guess I'm next...

(Kisame begins singing Sailor Neptune's song, _"Unmei wa Utsukushiku," _in a very annoying fishy voice.)

Tobi: Tobi wants his mommy...

Konan: Well, this might be worse than Pein's...

Pein:)

Zetsu: My right side thinks it's mean of you to torment the fish...

Pein: Shut up.

Zetsu: ...

Kakuzu: Okay. Well that's done recording...

Kisame: How did I do, guys?

Rest of Akatsuki: ... TT

Kisame: Huh? What's wrong?

Konan: Get Itachi to listen to this later, and he will tell you... TT

Kisame: Who's next?

Sasori: That would be I! (He shows up dressed as Tuxedo Mask, with a rose in his mouth, posing.)

Akatsuki: TT;

Pein: For the love of everything that is sane, please don't ever do that again!

Sasori: But, we are taking photos for the album booklet, right?

Kakuzu: Costs too much money. We are having one group pic on the cover.

Sasori: Okay! I will sing so much better than the rest of you! I will be singing _"Beethoven da ne Rock' n Roll."_

Kakuzu: That's weird. I don't think that would sell...

Sasori: I'll bet you $100 it does sell.

Kakuzu:) Done.

Deidara: Danna, you are weird- I don't even know who Beethoven is.

Sasori: And you call yourself an artist! A true artist must be well taught in music as well as art.

Deidara: I prefer explosions.

Sasori: Shut up, you idiot.

Deidara: TT

(Sasori starts singing. The charming melody of air running through his wooden body makes is absolutely gorgeous. )

Konan: Wow! He sings even better than Itachi.

Kisame: Itachi would be upset...

Zetsu: It must be his wooden body making it sound so good. It sounds like a Japanese flute with words.

Konan: Of course it sounds like a Japanese flute! He's made out wood! And speaking of that, I don't think he has vocal cords, so how is he-

Tobi: Kishimoto probably didn't think about that...

Konan: Cool.

Deidara: I wish I had a voice like that... TT

Pein: So do I...

Konan: Oh, no! Pein, please don't attack him this time! This one could make tons of money!

Zetsu: Too late.

Konan: How unfortunate for Sasori...

(Sasori finishes his song just before Pein attacks him, breaking apart his puppet body.)

Kakuzu: Well, at least we got it all recorded...

Deidara: Sasori-Danna, can I give you a hand:)

Sasori: I will remember this. (He gathers his body into one again.)

Pein: You are next if you tell any more lame jokes.

Deidara: Sorry...

Zetsu: Great! It's our turn! (He starts singing Do as Infinity's song _Robot_, with both sides singing.)

Deidara: (In awe) Cool!

Konan: I think it's weird...

Kakuzu: It's my turn, now. (He starts singing "_I like this night, New Years best", _Nabiki's song from Ranma ½.)

Itachi: How appropriate for Kakuzu to be singing about money...

Konan: Oh. You came back...

Itachi: I figured Pein-sama was over it, now.

Konan: Probably.

Tobi: Kakuzu's singing isn't that good, is it?

Zetsu: I am a much better singer than him. _No, I am. _

Kakuzu: Okay, I'm done. I guess Hidan is next.

Hidan: Great! I'm singing "_Shout it Out Loud_ " from King of Bandits Jing. (Hidan starts singing very loudly, but in a descent voice.)

Kakuzu: My ears...

Konan: Turn the volume down!

Sasori: What an ear-grating song...

Deidara: I like it...

Sasori: Sigh...

Tobi: His singing is good, it's just too loud, and the song is horrible.

Pein: Since when were you a music critic?!

Tobi: ...

(Hidan keeps on singing very loudly, but finally finishes the song.)

Deidara: Alright! It's finally my turn, un! Music is a bang!

Rest of Akatsuki: ;

(He starts singing_ "Hohoemi no Bakudan "( The DJ Yebisu Remix_) from Yu Yu Hakusho.)

Sasori:_ Smile Bomb_... It fits him...

Tobi: Yay! Go senpai!

Itachi: ...

Hidan: Mine was much better.

Kakuzu: I disagree.

Deidara: Isn't my singing great, hm?

Konan: Actually, Deidara, your singing is really bad... Still better than Kakuzu, Pein's and Kisame's, though.

Deidara: You just don't understand art! (He continues singing.)

Pein: Konan knows more about art than you or Sasori.

Deidara: Then is she right about you being a worse singer than I am?

Pein: I hope you have a written will! (Pein beats up Deidara, before he is done singing. Deidara flees the building.)

Kakuzu: What have you done?! Now we will have to have him sing it again, another time!

Pein: He can redo it later. Tobi, you are the last one. Get up there.

Konan: Um, you forgot me...

Tobi: I would like to dedicate this song to-

Pein: Just get on with it!

Konan: Umm... What about my song?!

Pein:I forgot about that. You can sing after Tobi.

Tobi: Okay. ( He starts singing "_Polko O Dolka"_, one of Meowth's songs.)

Sasori: You have to kidding... An member of Akatsuki watches that?

Konan: I think Meowth is cute.

Rest of Akatsuki: ;

Zetsu: I think this song is perfect for Tobi.

Kakuzu: Yep.

(Tobi finishes singing.)

Pein: Well I guess that is it...

Konan: No! I get to sing next! (She runs up to the mike, and starts singing "Brightness and Darkness_," _Lady Une's song from Gundam Wing)

Kisame: She sings better than all of us.

Pein: Of course she does.

Itachi: Exactly what are you bragging about? She's the one singing.

Pein: ...

Tobi: Konan-san, your singing is beautiful!

Sasori: I have to admit that it is...

(Konan finishes singing. Tobi and Kisame both clap.)

Pein: That's it, then.

Kakuzu: We still have to do Deidara.

Konan: Why don't you go get him, Tobi?

Tobi: Sure! ( He leaves.)

**Later...**

Tobi: He refuses to come while Pein is still around...

Itachi: What a coward.

Kisame: I don't blame him that much...

Konan: Pein, why don't you leave and go plot world domination stuff?

Pein: Fine. (He leaves.)

Deidara: I finally get to finish my song! (He shows up and finishes singing Hohemi no Bakudan all the way through.)

Konan: He actually sounds pretty good this time...

Zetsu: Good thing you made Pein-sama leave.

Kakuzu: Well now, we can start marketing the cd.

Deidara: Wait! My hand mouths get their own song!

Kakuzu: What?!

Konan: This is an odd moment...

Sasori: See? This what I used have to put up with! Now that I am teamed with Zetsu, hopefully I'll see it less.

Itachi: What a freak. --

Kisame: Weird.

Kakuzu: Since we might make more money this way, I guess you can...

Deidara: Alright, hm!

(His two hand mouths start singing "Katakoto no Koi Duet Version" from Chobits. Everyone looks on in horror as him right hand mouth (Male) sings in a deep male voice, while his left hand (Female) sings a soprano. After a two minutes and thirty-five seconds of horror, his song is finished.)

Itachi: ... (Speechless.)

Zetsu: I did sort of the same thing!

Hidan: #&&$!

Sasori: Zetsu is still a better teamate...

Tobi: Tobi is scared!

Kisame: Freak...

Konan: I'm in shock. Kakuzu, should you really put this one on the cd?

Kakuzu: Yes. I think people will buy it out of curiosity.

**Later...**

Pein: Good job, everyone! Our cd, "The Akatsuki Song Collection, " has sold a record 100 copies! Itachi's song with the fighting turned out to be a real hit. Deidara's second song and my song were not popular... Although, I wish Kakuzu had asked me before giving Deidara two songs...

Kakuzu: Sorry.

Pein: Paycheck deduction.

Kakuzu: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Hidan: Hah. Serves you right...

Itachi: How is 100 copies a record?

Pein: Our previous cd "Akatsuki story telling", sold only two copies!

Rest of Akatsuki: ...

Deidara: It's all your fault, Sasori! You told all those horrible stories...

Pein: All of you were at fault! All your stories, except for Tobi's and Kisame's, were horrible!

We must strive to do better!

Kisame: My story about the mystical mermaid was good, right?

Pein: ...

Kisame:) (Waiting expectantly)

Pein: I... Hated it. It reminds me of a shoujo manga...

Kisame: Well, at least mine wasn't gory or perverted.

Tobi: Mine was the best!

Pein: Well, we need ways to make money that don't need much talent. Which is why we are starting Akatsuki Grill!

Hidan: What kind of pansy plan is that?

Kakuzu: It could make money...

Zetsu: Can I cook?

Pein: No.

Konan: When do we start?

Pein: Next week. Don't be late.

THE END.


End file.
